In the beginning I found that I was often asked “Where was God when Kyron died”. A question I pondered on, in the earlier months whilst I planned the funeral became angry to hear, along with the many why’s enabled me to become somewhat mad at a being over the years I hardly thought about, and lived a life far from what preachers and religious teachings taught.
I then found myself questioning. Why does this question always appear in the ritual of a tragedy? Anger is a healthy and normal emotion to experience during grief. But why do many feel the need to place that control and blame of the tragedy in a being they are unsure whether they even believes exists.
Death as I said in an earlier blog is the normal process of life. We were never promised that we would all live to be elderly, we were never promised that we would bury our children, we were never promised a life without struggles and trails; we were simply given life on lease and encouraged to make good decisions. Live life to its fullest as we only live once. My mum would say, do not put off till tomorrow what can be done today as tomorrow is not promised to anyone. So why was I angry?, what did it matter where God was?, Kyron was dead that was enough emotion to bare.
After some reflection I realised it was an expectation that this superior being should be in control of situations that I have no control in. I had an expectation that Kyron would grow into a man, get married, have children and embrace his dream career. My expectation was not fulfilled so I needed someone to blame for that. Then I was told everything happens for a reason, God had a divine purpose for taking Kyron home. This of course caused more anger. What possible reason or lesson could this being need to show me that he felt the best way to show me was by killing my son?
Resentment began to fill my insides for a being we were simply conditioned to believe in, as I now began to question everything I once felt and believed. I knew who killed my son, I knew their names and saw them in the flesh, yet I found myself echoing where was God. Then on April 9th 2018, I watched the CCTV footage of my son’s murder and in an instance I received the answer to my question.
A blade in the air my eyes sting with tears, I cry oh where was God
In the darkened night, all alone why was he not spared death’s Rod
The words, everything happens for a reason, there is a purpose for his death
Where was this God in my situation, why have I been left bereft?
Why has he not intercepted these monsters as they tear through my babies flesh
Why was that whisper in their minds as willing them on to Chef
Where was this God as his blood seeped out, in darkness as he fell
As I watched the CCTV I found the answer to murders tale
With a smile on his face, head held high, in the valley of death he came
God held his hand as the sunk in the blade, God ensured he felt no pain
7 inches in the chest, blood rained down but yet he did not fall
God was his backbone, like a King Kyron stood up tall
As he walked into the road, God held the cars, no injury or bruise to add
God whispered in his ears, rise up enabling Kyron to see the returning lad
God stood in unison side by side another 7 inches made him hit the ground
Kyron fell to the floor, God lifted him and walked so he would be found
God was in the stranger that ran to his aid, offering help to sustain his life
Ambulance please hurry, you must come quick a teen has been stabbed with a knife
God was in the words of comfort and the love that blanketed him
Absent from his mum and dad, soothing words with encouragement and grins
Its aright mate, help is on the way, hold on mate what is your name
Your mum is on her way, she’ll be with you soon, relief when the ambulance came
Unable to speak, he merely groaned as kindness compressed his fears
God allowed shock to hold, which ensured he shed not a tear
Death will always come so don’t be deceived
Unsure of why so soon but in this I believe
That when it mattered an angel was there
To blind him from the reality and remove his worries and fears
In closing don’t waste energy becoming angry of what we expected should have been. Save your energy as each bit is required to take those baby steps to heal. Sorrow steals your joy. Whatever thought or belief brings you comfort, embrace it, appreciate it and use it as a stepping stone towards your healing.
The paperback edition of my book “Kyron: Hello Madness Goodbye Joy” is live in the Amazon Store. It is available for you to purchase via this link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1540203435&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=hello+madness&dpPl=1&dpID=41k45GKLllL&ref=plSrch