When a loved one dies we often take up the garments of shame and guilt to dress ourselves with. Despite situations being out of our control, we experience the strength of both emotions which often leave you anchored in guilt. Like many I took up these emotions and stirred it with grief, immediately placing several additional barriers in the path of healing. Today the feelings washed over with an attempt to steal my joy, with my eyes stinging with tears I decided to fight back and let go of guilts luggage. A friend said the truth will set you free, so I have penned how I was washed with shame and Guilt.
I have added an extract from my book. Hello madness, Goodbye joy. (Book has not yet been released)
The room is small, but the table seems enormous. We all sit scattered around the table. I feel so isolated and alone in the corner I have sat in. Kyron’s dad sits with his girlfriend to my left. Their friend is sat to my right, and Sarah, my family liaison officer is sitting on the left-hand side of the doctor at the top of the table. Pain is decorated on the doctor’s face, he is staring down at the table. “Oh God no” I want to scream, I want to run but I am blocked in. Why on earth did I bury myself in this corner? I know what he wants to tell me, and I do not wish to hear it, I need to escape, I just need to leave this room. I am crying. Panic is rising, I just want to leave, I do not want it confirmed, I do not want to hear the words out aloud. As I look around the room, I notice everyone has a look on their face that mirrors my thoughts. I close my eyes, I do not wish to see. This silence is going on forever.
The doctor looks up at me and begins to speak. He is reiterating the sorrow we have heard in the last 48 hours and is now confirming what I already know. Kyron has not responded to treatment or any intervention at all. His fear of Kyron being brain dead appears to now be a certainty. I am screaming inside as I desperately seek an exit route. They want to know if we are happy to turn off the machine. I feel myself slipping away. I look at his lips, I can see the glisten of his tears; I can hear his sadness as he continues to say he has a daughter Kyron’s age and cannot imagine how he would feel if it were her. I notice at this point that everyone is looking at me. I look and stare at Kyron’s dad, he looks thin, drained, tired, wild-eyed. I recognise that look, I know now that is simply an unimaginable madness, triggered by grief.
Why is everyone looking at me silently? Surely, they are not going to put this on me, I cannot make the decision, no way.
The doctor breaks the silence and tells us that if we do not switch the machine off, then Kyron will remain as an unconscious patient for the remainder of his life and never regain consciousness. “NO!” I heard myself shout. My mind scalding me, “Shut up, what are you doing? sit back down”. I tell myself. I want the machine to keep him breathing for me, but I know that for Kyron, this will not be a quality of life.
Everyone is staring at me again. Why won’t they speak? Why do they not make the decision? How can they deem this acceptable to ask me, Kyron’s mother, to turn the machine off? I want to go into a rage, I want to scream, shout, and hit out at everyone. I want to get up and rip my clothing in a blind rage and just scream, but I don’t. I have to let his earthly vessel go and with a heavy and guilt filled heart, I hear myself say
“Switch it off”
I look around the table, I can feel resentment filling inside for those that now sit with me. Resentment that I was put in this position, resentment they have made me decide alone, while they sat silently staring at me.
Tears fill my eyes and anger is burning in my heart. Everyone is still looking at me, I want to dig their eyes out. They seem to be waiting for me to make the decision. I have said it once, surely, I don’t have to say it again. I want to slap everyone and scream at them for not removing the curse from me. I rise and try to leave, I push past everyone, I am tempted to slap them all as I walk out. The door opens, I am not sure how, I am spinning again, I need air, I am struggling to breath. Washed with shame and guilt, I realise have given them license to remove the person I have loved for 15 years and transport him to the morgue. I have said my final goodbye, but have I made the wrong decision…………
I made the decision to remove my Kyron from this earth completely. I agreed to turn the machine off, I said yes to death. My son had already been stolen and the machines gave me a chance to say goodbye. I hear the rattles of my broken heart as I relive this memory, but it is time to rise. The first part of healing is to learn to forgive yourself, free yourself from the critical viewpoints you have formed of yourself, most of the time these views are not seen by others. Rise, the past we can no longer change, yet the present is a road we are yet to take. Right now you may be weak, lean on friends and loved ones. You do not have to be isolated on an island. Find someone to walk with, remember you do not grieve alone. Take my hand and with baby steps, slowly begin to tread your new path. I cannot bring Kyron back but in me living free and with a purpose I know that he would have been happy and extremely proud of his mummy.
The paperback edition of my book “Kyron: Hello Madness Goodbye Joy” is live in the Amazon Store. It is available for you to purchase via this link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1540203435&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=hello+madness&dpPl=1&dpID=41k45GKLllL&ref=plSrch