Many of us in life co-exist wearing masks. We have our family mask, corporate mask, social masks and emotional masks. Each containing hidden secrets within. Situations and circumstances arise forcing us at times to wear the truth hidden inside, on the outside. But how strong are our personal foundations? do we cover the truth with little white lies to reduce the severity of impact? Do we seek to control the situation and outcome by simply giving a half truth? Or do we stand in fear of the repercussions of verbalising and accepting our truths that cause us to lie or remain silent.
How many of us are comfortable to approach our loved ones and empower them with truth, allowing them the opportunity to reflect on behaviours, change and grow. Or would we rather lie to spare a relationship breakdown, allowing them to drown within their own ignorance.
How many use truth to evoke your own personal peace of mind? or is the fear of the outcome of the delivery worth your ongoing mental torture? If you love me, should you not be honest with me? If I love you, can you not see the real me, within the transparency of truth? Would your love not enable you to formulate words to gain my respect, as opposed to create a scene of disrespect.
Would the truth not reveal my needs and enable me to reach the deeper connections with people I sought as I waded through the darkness. Often I reflect on the isolation and loneliness I felt within my personal journey, and wonder, If I had told the truth and reached out, would the impact have been the same. I became angry with so many expecting them to simply be there, but I never truly revealed how I felt. I bottled up my emotions and sealed it with dishonesty to spare others from pain. I refused to tell the doctors of my suicidal thoughts, as I believed social services would take my children away from me. I silenced the truth from my family, as I convinced myself they had moved on with their lives, when in-fact they too simply struggled to verbalise their truth to me, as a way to protect me from their pain.
I had the truth knocking at my core, bursting at the seams trying to pour out, yet I remained silent and continued to suffer alone.
Extract from Goodbye Joy, Hello madness (This extract has been edited for the blog)
“I know I’m beginning to crack and I am struggling to hold it in. My head is loud, sometimes I want to smash it against a wall repeatedly and die. Then I would get to see Kyron now, in flesh, and not under dirt. I am not ready for the mess in my head to be laid on the table. I’m not ready to be weak, not yet, as everyone wants me to think of the children. I cannot stand for myself, let alone them; I need to deal with everything not half. I need to wake from this darkened trance or we will all perish. I am left alone to grow vulnerable children with needs in the chaos of my mental madness”.
Being a mother for some of my family and friends dehumanises me and removes my identity and needs from their focus. They appear unable to see that I was a person before I became the mother. I was Phoenix before mummy and I am still her. I met a man and fell in love; this man blessed my stomach with love and planted a seed that formed to become my beloved Kyron. I am the lady that travailed in child birth to bring Kyron into the world, and I am the lady that nurtured and grew him into the young man you now all know. I, Phoenix am the one who sat with him as he slipped away, I, Phoenix held him in my arms as he died. To process this, I need respite on occasion from being a mum as I too, need to heal. I feel people at times forget this. They ask me to simply focus on the children. This notion is a given, in Kyron’s death I have become paranoid around the safety and wellbeing of the other children, I stifle them, they are not allowed out, I worry and offload my stresses and nervous disposition onto them; often about the streets and sinister motives of others. To save my
children, it is essential I focus on me and my survival. If I fall, the children in turn will suffer, If I find the strength to stand, they have a rock to lean on.
In order to heal effectively, please be real with your emotions. Accept and verbalise your truths. Remaining silent or telling a lie is easy, but a lie will keep you trapped within your personal torture. Don’t talk about people, talk to them. The truth will allow you most importantly to feel and then heal. For?? the other time to reflect, change and grow. Help is out there for all impacted by traumatic events, revealing your truth, will ensure the need is met. No matter your position in the family your emotional, physical, and mental well-being matters when faced with betrayal and trauma. Grief along with dishonesty destroys relations as we retreat into silence and darkness. Accept your truth, verbalise it in love and seek a better outcome. Loosen your chains and in truth be free.
The paperback edition of my book “Kyron: Hello Madness Goodbye Joy” is live in the Amazon Store. It is available for you to purchase via this link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1540203435&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=hello+madness&dpPl=1&dpID=41k45GKLllL&ref=plSrch