There are days when I feel like a shore, exposed, feet walking all over me, being slapped repeatedly by life’s angry waves. Each wave brings a new ripple to change the signature of my sand. The unknown is hard to comprehend the unpredictable circumstances sent to unbalance us, leaving us in a state of confusion and uncertainty. 2017 for me was a raging hurricane.
It commenced with a stalker. My father passed away August 2016. We were not close, but his passing impacted me all the same. This young man befriended me as he himself had lost his mother to cancer a year earlier. It began with daily phone calls, which quickly escalated to 30-40 calls daily on my mobile, followed by constant abuse and harassment. A member of his family lived at the care home I worked in at that time, so things very quickly spilled into work. He would often email my line manager, the local funding authority and CQC accusing me of several wrong doings. This became a daily trend. At work I was subjected to unannounced frequent visits by him, unwanted phone calls and verbal abuse.
Things took a sinister turn when he realised that I was not about to accept his advances. Not only did his conduct have a psychological impact me, but his abusive outbursts were also directed to his family member. After several warnings from the police, an injunction, change in all phone numbers, a recorded episode of self mutilation, which he happily shared with us, a serious safeguarding concern along with an observed mental decline of his family member my stalker was finally arrested, receiving a custodial sentence June 2017.
This left me feeling guilty, embarrassed and afraid of shadows in the dark. I became distrusting of others , which had me feeling isolated and somewhat alone. I blamed myself, convinced had I not smiled none of this would have transpired.
Soon after another wave hit at work, it felt like a witch Hunt had commenced. I knew my days were becoming numbered when I received a very strong supervision record in July from my then line manager. No matter how hard I tried nothing was good enough, a label had been applied to me and that was it, all eyes were set to source evidence to affirm this. It did not take long before staff were seduced to lie against me. These false testimonies along with a decline within a service users conduct in April led to my employers inviting me to a meeting on the 12th October 2017. Despite not causing any of the events that occurred, it was stated that as I am the manager, the responsibility was mine alone. The staff were given a second chance and I was initially dismissed 13th October 2017.
This was a brutal and unjust blow, six untarnished years, just erased in a blink of an eye. I remember walking down the hill, crushed, my heart ached as my tears wet the path. I appealed and the matter was resolved, I was able to resign and received a glowing reference from the organisation
Then as you know another wave took away the last remnants of hope, Joy, light and happiness when a mighty wave crashed against my shore on the 17th October 2017, taking Kyron from me. This wave leaving a crater in it’s place. In the midst of my dark more betrayal was yet to come, as another wave hit my relationship, with my then partner displaying public infidelity with a work colleague at my son’s funeral.
My shore had many boots trampling, staining me with illegal dumping, polluting me and tarnishing my natural beauty. I thought the hurricane was to destroy me but the sun shone against my shore again.
Slowly my sand is beginning to dry, a ground that was seen as desolate is evolving into a beautiful land that others once again venture to, for joy, happiness and laughter. I have changed form but my beauty remains.
A lot was washed away in the waves, but the wave left something to. The wave brought me a new purpose, the wave revealed more gifts, the waves showed me I could overcome, I could hurt, and I could be broken, but despite all I could stand. The waves washed away doubt and uncertainty leaving a layer of determination. The waves have left a new person whose shore has a new purpose.
I share this to encourage you,. Life may seem bleak, dark, desolate and without hope. The lack of hope causes you to feel as though you are dying inside. However sometimes when we walk in the storm things are being washed away, while new skills, strength, attributes and love is hitting us in the rain drops. We will never know the meaning for some waves, but you will always know why you survived the storm. Open your ears and truly listen to what your current test is telling you.
Some tragic moments actually signify a beginning and not the end.
The paperback edition of my book “Kyron: Hello Madness Goodbye Joy” is live in the Amazon Store. It is available for you to purchase via this link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1540203435&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=hello+madness&dpPl=1&dpID=41k45GKLllL&ref=plSrch