Grief’s debt has been paid

The 17th October is almost upon me. I can remember that fateful night as though it happened this morning. I can smell my fear, the smell of blood consumes me, I feel I can taste it in my mouth, the axe still hangs from my rib cage, causing me to wince when I roll over and if I allow myself to think too hard, that deep wave of emotion comes crashing against my mental shore.

Almost a year on and I reflect over how much I truly lost. You see not only did my son fall on the 17th, but with him collapsed my joy, my smile, my mental stability, my ability to feel, my passion, my sleep, my appetite, my trust and my desire to socialise and positively interact with others.

I fell into debt with grief, becoming socially and emotionally bankrupt. Grief had me believing I had accumulated a debt I could never pay. It had taken my son, and was now taking everything that made me Rachel Webb, this was stifling my soul, I was heavy and drowning in griefs debt.

Naturally serious emotional effects began to show, my anxieties grew, causing me to develop a nervous disposition, my self worth plummeted causing me to place myself around people and in situations that were not conducive to my emotional or mental well being. I became tolerant of pain, so engaged in situations that hurt me far longer than required. I gave debt my mind, my purpose, my hope for a brighter tomorrow, my strength, my passion. In short I gave grief me. I surrended it all and in return grief gave me the coat of pain, rejection, brokenness, and nothingness. Joy did not live here anymore, I paid with my life, but instead of grief giving me freedom, it gave me blindness and depression.

I held on to the cuffs of the jacket, deluded into that false belief, that in letting go of this new coat, it meant I had left go of Kyron. How wrong was I?. Grief is a con man, taking far more than it’s due. It’s confidence in a time of vulnerability blinds you into a false delusional state.

A year on, I look back and realise grief is just a groomer, for my debt was paid on the 20th October 2017 when Kyron passed away, I had paid my debt in full. This thief was exploiting my vulnerable state, with hands held open, naively I continued to pay the price for a cost that had already been paid.

Debt is like an illness, that causes great suffering and pain

It persists, and persists, with a bill that leaves you mentally drained

Immunity against griefs debt is non existent, we are all susceptible

This debt can break your physical being, your health and decline your mental

You steal from your core to pay your way, from yourself you cheat and lie

I cannot go on living without him, I simply need to roll up and die

The weakened state brings you shame, embarrassment and anger

So you live beyond your means to hide the debt from friends and the stranger

We have no get out clause under moral law, you cannot file for bankruptcy

The only option available to you is evict grief, let me help you to see

Grief came a knocking, but it was you that cuffed it to the chair

You embrace grief into your core, gripping tightly as you went into despair

You compensated that missing love, allowing grief to live rent free

Grief then sued, seeking judgement over the wage of your sanity

You own your body, your heart, your joy, the positive attitude of the mind

Do not allow grief to bring the possibility of foreclosure, grief can be quite unkind

Ignore those relentless phone calls, emails and letters grief sends to your soul

Suicide is not the answer, your debt is paid, why don’t you know?

Murderers took my son, and grief stole time and tears

But now it’s time for restoration, as I have a true purpose here

Grief my debt is paid, I take back what was stolen from me

Love, happiness, joy, a sound mind, sleep, passion, I demand you set them free

Please no longer suffer in debt as grief owes you a massive refund

With help from others, and that wealthy cheque you know grief can be shunned

Your heart may still hurt and tears will fall but that is because you’re a person

Who loved someone with unconditional strength so tears will be for certain

Use the key and lose those chains, your ties with grief are broken,

With courage and conviction allow these words from your heart to be spoken

For today you and the Phoenix will truly rise

With purpose, with hope, with strength. Life’s flame is back in our eyes

Remember strength comes in Love. We are not alone xxx

The paperback edition of my book “Kyron: Hello Madness Goodbye Joy” is live in the Amazon Store. It is available for you to purchase via this link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1540203435&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=hello+madness&dpPl=1&dpID=41k45GKLllL&ref=plSrch

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Published by phoenix17102017
By: Phoenix 15/08/2018 My Name is Phoenix, I am a mother of 5. I am a victim of knife crime. I have started this blog to map my journey through the valley of madness triggered by grieve after the brutal, unprovoked stabbing and murder of my 15 year old son Kyron Webb. The purpose is to reach out to families, friends and members of the public tortured by the rise of street brutality that is placing our young people in the ground as oppose to in college and stimulating careers. My Journey thus far has been barbaric, isolating, crippling and mentally torturous. Days became so dark, I was unsure if I was grieving, mourning or simply going mad, this is what triggered to me to write a book mapping my journey and documenting my real, raw and transparent emotions and feelings. I found this therapeutic and in a weird way somewhat healing. My torture continues yet I have days when I can really smile. I am still within my first year, so am experiencing all the 1st events without my beloved angel present in the flesh. The brain can fool you when journeying through this process. Life bears little meaning but death appears glamorous. This is my story and I know many of you have your own tale to tell. I would like to reach out to those walking this dark lonely path, take my hand, walk with me, share your comments, we do not have to walk alone, and we can survive together. View all posts by phoenix17102017

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3 thoughts on “Grief’s debt has been paid”
STEWART SIMPSON October 15, 2018 at 7:29 am Edit
Beautifully written. And I admire your honesty for sharing your harrowing experience. We all go through things in life we cannot change, its how we deal with it that will either make us or break us.

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EDLEENA THOMPSON October 15, 2018 at 8:23 pm Edit
Hope…! 🙂 Breathtaking! Love you! xxxxxx

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J October 16, 2018 at 5:26 am Edit
This is beautiful sis!

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4 thoughts on “Grief’s debt has been paid”

  1. Beautifully written. And I admire your honesty for sharing your harrowing experience. We all go through things in life we cannot change, its how we deal with it that will either make us or break us.

    Liked by 1 person

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