Guilt

Last night I had a nightmare, once again I rose in tears. I was with Kyron at Manchester Royal Infirmary Hospital, he stood holding my hand as we watched his lifeless body attached to many machines. He did not speak, he did not take any action, he simply stood and watched me cry.

After I cried many tears, he lifted my hand and led me to the machine, took my fingers and flicked the switch, he look at me and smiled as he began to fade away. I was devastated, screaming for him to come back. The lottery finger appeared pointing at me saying “he is gone because of you” I woke feeling broken, I held a picture and cried, wishing for sleep to come again, so I could see his face one more time.

My tears danced with the running water as my bath filled, then the dream played itself out again in my mind. However, this time I saw it from a different view point. I was holding on to death, trapped at the bedside, Kyron stood silently still, like a statue.

Then He took my hand and flicked the switch, it was only then he smiled, it was only then he came alive. As he faded he was not leaving me, how could he, I am him and he is me; we are genetically connected. He was setting me free, releasing me from guilt, willing me to switch my light back on again and choose life over death.

His smile was telling me “mummy it’s okay” you see because I held so much guilt, I also interpreted my dreams as he was leaving me, never that he simply willed me to be free. I thought of my friends and other parents in my situation who are trapped in sadness due to guilt they hold that is not theirs.

This poem is for you.

I am a mother who lost a child, I was not his murderer, I was not in that city, but yet I held guilt.
I blamed myself for him being there, for I allowed him to go, therefore it’s my fault his blood split.

I am the mother, I knew something was up , so therefore it was my responsibility to do more.
Somehow in this situation I decided I had done wrong so held guilt firmly at my door.

How many parents sit with me believing their child’s demise was due to their failure to act.
If we all have a day to be born, we have a day to die, this is life and just a fact.

Guilt is a valuable emotion, but in death it can negatively tie you to a situation.
That was simply out of your hands and control during the tragic occasion.

You are still the mother that prepared your body to be strong so it was ready for their birth.
You are still the father that taught your son how to value life and see his worth.

You are still the person that said I love you many times, disciplined them so they could be their best self.
You are still the parent that worked hard for financial wealth.

Our children may say we are moany, but they know we are there and we pay their bills.
They may not want to engage or obey our every command but they know we love them and would drop everything at will.

Kyron knew I loved him, I often told him he was one of the four valves of my heart.
The other held his elder brother, younger sister and the forth the twin’s from here my children will never depart.

I gave my all so my children would have, sacrificing much so they would never go without.
Their academic, emotional and social development was important to me without a doubt.

I reflect on my input to his life and I know without a doubt I am a great mum
I played a vital and positive role into the man my son was due to become.
In his death I held shame, within the trap of guilt I became caught.
Well Kyron came back to tell me “mummy it was my time, this is not your fault”

So for all those parents blaming themselves saying “but I should have done more”
Let it go for you are not the gate keeper that guards life’s door.

You are simply the person that for your child, you applied your best
Reflect on your efforts, embrace that love and allow the power of healing to do the rest.
For if your child returned in a vision and their spirit was able to come through.
They would not hold blame, they would say thanks, ending with mum, dad I’m sorry and I love you.

The paperback edition of my book “Kyron: Hello Madness Goodbye Joy” is live in the Amazon Store. It is available for you to purchase via this link https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1540203435&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=hello+madness&dpPl=1&dpID=41k45GKLllL&ref=plSrch

1 thought on “Guilt”

  1. Soooo powerful. I really hope as many parents that have been through such tragedy get to read this, I’m sure it will help their healing so much. Listen to Kyron Sis and rejoice in the peace in his smile to you. You still have many others holding your hand, he put yours in theirs. Bless you. Sleep sweet tonight. xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

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