Inside

Leading up to today I have been quieter than usual. I have felt anger and resentment. I accept these feelings are a normal part of my journey but I felt ashamed for some of the thoughts that came into my mind.

I evaluated my children’s personalities and what each one brought to the table. Some gave me love in abundance, another takes diligent care when I am unwell. My children are somewhat spoilt and have a fragrance of self entitlement about them, which I instilled by my desire that they were not to want for anything.

As I evaluated that voice that had been silence for some time now spoke. It reminded me of how humble Kyron was. If Kyron was here he would have hugged your sadness, if Kyron was here he would ask are you okay, if Kyron was here he would say I love you everyday, if Kyron was here you would not be in this place right now, you would be okay.

It has been stated that due to a traumatic experience I now experience a mood disorder
Some days I may appear upbeat while on others silent as I scratch at sadness’s boarder

Some days I cannot explain it but I just do not appear to feel right
No matter how hard I smile my day is gloomy and nothing seems bright
I lack the enjoyment in the things I once enjoyed to do
I respond with short messages, I’m ignoring calls as I don’t want to speak to you

This feeling presents in many different ways, it does not show a physical difference
On the surface I am the person you each think you know, but inside I question the value of my existence
I feel tired, irritated, lacking sleep I don’t seem to have an appetite
I start to lose weight, have emotional outbursts inside I know something is not right

I am anxious and nervous expecting something to go wrong
Reliving my trauma daily, seeing sadness in every song

I have nightmares, I have flashbacks I often feel isolated and alone
Consumed in guilt, misery and darkness I cry and secretly groan
These feelings impact my life and present a different version of me
I went to see my doctor about it he says I have anxiety disorder and PTSD

If any of my symptoms relate to how you feel
Seek help immediately as mental health decline is really real

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