Dear mum

Deep down inside I feel alone on this earth
I can’t tell anyone my problems; I feel I have no worth
Someone hears me now that my life is on the line
I never show my problems, my feelings well their just mine
I am embarrassed of people seeing how I’m actually feeling
The emotions I hold are not what others want to be seeing

I have not been happy now for years and it gets worse year after year
Since I was a young child depression has always brought me to tears
I never used to be this person writing to you today
Pain, isolation, neglect, your failure to see me drove the nice boy away
Life changed me stress, loneliness, fear, anger I grew so confused
Unhappiness, never having money in life I have simply felt abused

Being unloved grouped with never having money is what in the end changed me
As I grew older I came to believe the change I wanted would come from having money
Money can have a huge impact on your life and alter how you live it
Growing seeing your friend’s always has, while having nothing as in poverty the four of us sit
Always seeing my friends in new clothes, new shoes, new phones and new games consoles
Bigger beds, televisions in bigger rooms, with envy and in resentment I found myself grow

I always saw my friends with stuff as their parents had money to buy it for them
Whereas you mum didn’t. I just wanted to look and be like my friends
Mum you made sure we were clothed, fed and yes we went to school
You put a roof over our head, but failed to give me life’s real tool

I grew up knowing that all I wanted was to make money
So much so I did not know what to do with it, just that it must be my reality
So I decided to go county lines to sell Class A drugs for someone
They promised me thousands of pounds but it did not work out so I decided to run
Alone, with no money my life then became in danger
I was beaten up, threatened “I’ll stab you in your neck” he said in anger
I don’t owe money or anything; I just wanted to go home early
They were not happy with that, I was scared, Im small not big and burly

At that moment in time I was so scared for my life I thought they were going to kill me
Now I am in hiding petrified will I live if anyone sees me
I cannot trust anyone anymore, I would not even know now who to trust
Who to believe or who to love my heart is fit to bust
Why is my life like this? It makes no sense in my head
I tell myself as I write to you. Im simply better off dead

But I’m sacred to die because of the affect it may have on my family, you mum and my dad
I think of aunty Rachel, Kyron was murdered. to lose me too will make her more sad
I can never put her through that stress, grief and pain of losing me
Kyron has only been dead a year; I know I’m stupid can you now see

Seeing her suffering brings a pain no words can describe
I wish she were my mum, I would have grown with strength, love and pride
In answer to the last post, are parents to blame YES I blame you mum
As you grew me out of obligation and did not show any love to me as your son

You were unable to love, so gave none; I am too unable to display strong love
I love my dad more than you as you gave emptiness to wear like a glove
I know your childhood was difficult and for that grandma and Grandad I also blame you
As you made it that mummy was damaged and I never got to say “Mummy I love you”

Kyron: Hello madness goodbye joy a mother memoir about the murder of her 15 year old son. Written by my aunty is out now to purchase on Amazon. Get you copy now

6 thoughts on “Dear mum”

  1. Wow… well that brutal honesty took my breath away.. Thats captivated depth of emotion right there and although incredibly sad its promising in so many ways.. love to mum x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 💔
    Although it maybe heartbreaking to read , I’m just glad he has a way to express how he is feeling 💕💕 writing is powerful form of expression and a great relief for some.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow… These were some deep words. It truly opened my eyes from a child’s point of view and why they go on these paths.
    To us parents if we are not showing the love that we could be it is not to late to start now. It has to start somewhere!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. So incredibly sad and insightful of how this young person is feeling and maybe many more also feels this way. Is this the future we want for our youth? The older generation like myself was faced with various challenges, but I don’t think fear towards our peers and fears of being murdered was one of them.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Yes, truly a heart wrenching poem! Our children are being let down by many institution and although I understand where he is coming from, the blame cannot fall completely on the mother. All the people of colour carry trauma as part of their DNA unfortunately. Mothers are trying very hard to cope with situation beyond belief; with children, no well paid jobs, discrimination and many times, a single household, perhaps because the father is in prison. The situation is crazy and some mothers do whatever they can and sometimes use A HEAVY approach with boys in their belief that they will put them on the straight and narrow. The mothers are scared for their sons, so sometimes, I LOVE YOU seems like a soft touch. But I will say here and now, MOTHERS, telling your child I LOVE YOU, praising them for every little achievement, congratulating them and smiling with love is probably the greatest gift you can give them! We can start here, at home, but there is so much more work to be done and you know what WE CAN DO IT! We have survived slavery, murder, discrimination over the centuries, come on people, we can do it. Every other adult, when you see a young man, give him a smile or at least a look to say, I am here for you, I understand what you are going through. YOU ARE GREATER THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE!

    Liked by 1 person

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