This is me

There is a hollowness in my heart that has altered my life’s melody
There is an ever present sadness that impacts the way I look at me
Through poetry I learned to share what I have to say
My writing displays my weakness shining through my strength in a rhythmic way

Knife crime scarred me and this is who it caused me to be
Murder shaped me, leaving me and my children accustomed to misery
It traps my mind in endless sorrow, surrounded by a stifling darkness
It causes me to envy the smiles of others and I become an emotional mess.

I feel jealous when I hear my friends say their son is expecting his first child
I am jealous when someone turns 16 alive with a beaming face on social media looking sweet and mild
I was jealous when year 11’s obtained their GCSE results
All because I would never get to share such memories with Kyron due to this knife crime cult.

I try to hide my tears so I don’t cause pain to another
Many stay away still unsure what to say to a grieving mother
Many see my posts so convince themselves that I am fine
As they are comforted that healing comes in time

When the pain is too much I simply bury my head and cry
Punching my stomach, with a thought that travels back to why
I remind myself there is no comfort on seeking answers in the past
In darkness there is a lack of love leaving me feeling like an outcast

I long to unsubscribe, I wish there was a delete button or even a reset
As at times I cannot take the weight and burden that on my shoulders has set
I have no one to turn to, when I am cold under the shinning sky that’s blue
I live in utter silence to prevent my pain from hurting you
Unfortunately I cannot keep the pretense I am cold out in the rain
My eyes are tired, my muscles are weak I’m struggling to live with pain
The cracks are forming, the gap is to wide, hear my words and see
I’m dying alone over here trapped I am crying silently

I know my pain is hard for you, so imagine how I might live
My children’s tears burn their cheek. It’s time that love you give
I don’t want the tribute at my funeral, hold no guilt when I die
I am telling you I need you now. Put on your coat and come by.

Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook.

Click the link below

3 thoughts on “This is me”

  1. I don’t really know what to say to you Rachel about how you feel because only someone who has gone through what you have been through can truly understand the depth of your pain, most people can only imagine and just imagining is heartbreaking. The only thing I can suggest that may help you to manage your pain better is to talk to people who have been through the same experience, which I’m sure you have but you should maintain contact with them regularly because they truly understand your pain. Stay strong Rachel even though it is extremely hard, you are very brave to express what you are thinking and feeling to many people.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello Rachel

    I too lost my son in 2016 and I was able to connect to your words in so many ways. I jus want to say thank you for sharing the truth to let others see the inner turmoil.

    I have just started having bereavement counseling to moved forwards. One day I would like to build an orphanage in Thailand in memory of my son Nathan.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am deeply sorry to hear your about Nathan and although it’s little comfort I send my most sincere condolences. Thank you so much for connecting with me. The orphanage sounds like an amazing idea. What made you pick Thailand

      Like

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