Another day

Autumn is transition from summer and shows us great beauty in the seasonal change
We see the leaves falling to the ground, and the temperature falls as the scenery is rearranged
Many begin to get excited as they realise that Christmas is approaching and almost here
As a child Autumn was once my favourite time of year

Now it is stained with the hardest memories and for me holds the darkest pain
Sleep seems to desert me, now I overeat and my real-life nightmares play out again
It makes me emotional as throughout the year I am convinced I have made some progress
Then Autumn comes and all the symptoms return, inside I seem to regress

I struggle to hold onto to reality, but my eyes can only see the past
My ears only hear those heartbeats fading away into darkness quite fast
My lips tingle at the coldness, I remember his forehead was clammy
As I gave him that last kiss as he slipped away silently

I am irritated when I see family fall outs as my mind whispers, they would care if the person dropped dead
I am outraged watching arguments and silly disputes as time is precious I scream please love instead
I hate hearing the words I’m done; I give up you’re nothing to me
For this same being will become majestic in the event their spirit is taken suddenly

Ugly trauma changes us, I was bitten and no matter how hard I try I am never going to be the same
I feel no comfort in life, I just ache for my memories my smile is buried in his name
My head is chaotic my thoughts dance in the silence of my brain
Depression rapes me during the autumn nights they make me feel I am going insane
I am embarrassed now as I feel the impact this is having on my mental health
I am embarrassed that I don’t seem to be able to sustain the positivity my brain feels like it’s riding stealth

I go up with speed and scream in excitement as I reach that peak in height
Then I take a turn go upside down I become scared but scream with fake delight
Then comes the mighty fall, down and down I go
Back at the bottom again I fake a smile in the hope that those around me won’t know

I am ashamed to know people follow me, look up to me and rely on my positive glow
But I have to be honest to maintain my sanity Autumn reminds me of death and causes that positivity to go
At day I smile and my words are encouraging for all those that gather around
The accomplice in a few months will be free but me I continue my life sentence alternating between a smile and this crippling frown


Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook.

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