This week I have been reflecting on my skills and impact as a single mother
I remembered a time when my mothering skills declined as I put more effort into beings someone’s lover
I reviewed the long hours I used to work, the amount of time I stayed away
My exhaustion because of this and the things in frustration I would say
I reflected over the times I used gifts to excuse my absence and guilt
As I looked back at my actions and decisions tears from my eyes really spilt

I felt shame realising that I placed work in front of the children I was blessed to protect
I had convinced myself I worked hard so they would want for nothing and not become victims of neglect
I was caught up in the myth that happiness and life was only good if you had big money
But in reality all I needed was enough to survive and my children quality time with their mummy
My absence gave room for bad habits to form, the older two seemed to take responsibility of themselves
In reality I lost out on Precious memories, time to nurture and build them as I sort corperate wealth

In life we have to work and as single parents it can be hard to seek proper life balance
Having a career, being a mum, feeding your individual needs, finding love are all in our glance
Kyron’s death changed me, I lost the worse so now I no longer feel I have much to lose
When making decisions for our home I sit and discuss with the children so that they help me to choose
Yes I still go to work, I am able to socialise, spend time with the children and have a little time for me
It may not be as much freedom as I want, but I was the one that took up this mantle I chose to be a mummy.

When we become pregnant how many of us immediately begin to speak positive affirmations over our stomach
As the bump begins to form as the child grows how many speak life and prosperity over our hearts new monarch
When the child is born how often do we glorify their heritage informing them they are descendants of kings and queens
Do we anoint their hearts with truth, cover their feet with strength and sow seeds of wisdom in controlling what they see
Do we truly understand the blessing that we hold, and the job of nurture that lays before us
Do we truly understand the responsibility that we hold and exactly how not to break that bond or trust.

How many of us understand impact, or how our communication and behaviour affects a child
How many of us stop and see how our relationships good or bad can make hard that what was once mild
How many remember in the bustle of life that our actions are scrutinised by our children they mould themselves on you.
Sometimes the back talk, promiscuity, anti social behaviour, substance addiction actually stems from what they see too

How many of us can honestly reflect and take accountability for we as the older generation are the route to what we see today
How many of us can really admit how we damaged our children through our own selfish desires living life in our own way

My behaviour in the past taught my children that alcohol was the way to problem solve
When things became to much I would seek intoxication as a way to escape nothing was really resolved
My boys in time were tempted to taste alcohol, then smoking was added to the mix
I am ashamed to know I played my part from this experience I was able to change and my parenting fix.
I have come to see inside we hold the seed of our calling and purpose, we hold the seed of resolution
I admit as an older I played a part in the problem. Now i stand to be part of the solution


Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy followinf the murder of my son Kyron Webb. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook. UK/USA

Click the link below

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