G.U.I.L.T.Y

I have always used my social media platform to express my truth and liberation
In text I have shared with an unknown audience the horrors and plights of my mental conversations
I have shown you my sadness, shared my phrases, cried out in misery
I feel bad sometimes writing words of encouragement when dark pain lives inside me

In expressing the not so pretty I felt a sense of release but there was still something that stopped me feeling totally free
Sitting drinking a cup of berry tea, it finally hit me, for my children I still feel extremely guilty
I am guilty for the partners I brought home that unsettled them and the home
I feel guilty that I am scared to let the little ones out, scared for them to roam alone

I am guilty for spending time away when my attention was distracted or somewhere else
Guilt for the hours once worked, away with a loved one when I was only consumed with myself
Guilt that I stopped listening, leaving them in the care of others for days on end
I feel guilty that I allowed work and life get in the way of being my young children’s best friend

I feel guilty for the times I spoke to them out of anger, frustration and rage
I feel guilty for the chastisement that came fourth due to horrors from a past traumatic stage
I feel guilty then when I felt I could not cope I did not go and seek professional help
I feel guilty that I over loaded myself so much for career progression, popularity and wealth

I feel guilty that I never paid the young children enough meaningful attention
I feel guilty that life got in the way of constructive and purpose filled conversations
I feel guilty for letting go when in fact I should have embraced more
I feel guilty for allowing Kyron, in March 2016, to walk out the door

I feel guilty that I have shut down and my smile is faded due to sorrow
I feel guilty my children grow knowing their mum said to switch off the machine removing Kyron from their tomorrow
I feel guilty that I have pulled away from family and friends
I feel guilty for not fearing death but secretly welcoming it so this pain really ends
I feel guilty as I know a corpse is trying to love and grow her children
I am trying but I feel guilty for being broken, for always crying, endless days in bed
I feel guilty as I know no matter how excited my voice may sound inside the emotions are flat as I am still dead.

I think when we all make a mistake; we tend to just root ourselves in this cycle of shame
Inside we live with guilt and regret, often chastising ourselves and calling ourselves negative names.
I know my mind plays tricks as at the time I believed I was doing my best
Working hard so the children had what they required to develop, having me time to allow for mental rest
The lesson for me now is learning how to forgive myself for the purpose of moving forward.
So that guilt can be used as a guide to keep living, loving and thriving without feeling awkward

Hello madness goodbye joy a book written by me Rachel Webb following the tragic murder of my 15 year old son Kyron Webb is available now on Amazon. Click the link below to purchase your copy today.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1540203435&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=hello+madness&dpPl=1&dpID=41k45GKLllL&ref=plSrch

2 thoughts on “G.U.I.L.T.Y”

  1. Why should you feel guilty, why should you be ashamed, why? You was the mother and the father for your children. You had to do what was best for your children. That is working to feed, clothe and put a roof over their head. Don’t ever blame yourself for Kyrons murder. Blame society, blame the system. Not your self! You are a good mother! A mother who does everything for her children, with love .

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Rachel try not to beat yourself up because I think most mother’s feel guilty and ashamed at times and will question themself as to whether they are a good mother. All mother’s who are trying their best and know how hard it is to bring up the next generation, especially in these times. You are stronger than you think and I hope time will help you heal and feel alive again inside because Kyron would want you to be happy and be there mentally and emotionally for his brothers and sisters. Novlette was right in everything she said so don’t feel bad (easy to say) but ultimately you love your children and can only do your best, stay positive and keep fighting on. You are beautiful, very brave and touching people by being so open and real.x

    Liked by 1 person

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