The dark cloud

My first memory of the grey cloud was at about 7 years of age in the playground whilst at infant school
I felt a sudden darkness come over me, looking up it was grey, cloudy and misty causing me to feel afraid and very small
I have made no secret that as a child I experienced both physical, verbal and sexual abuse
As I child I could not explain this, but now I know the cloud formed as a consequential excuse

Conflicts with family, living in fear that danger lurked in every corner
As I grew, the cloud darkened it never appeared to feel any warmer
At first it would just appear when I felt low, was crying or something occurred that reminded me of hopelessness
Then one day I realised it was always there causing me to become intolerant of others always angry feeling restlessness.

I was quick to anger, ready for a fight, the smallest act would trigger me to shout
I became reckless, took risks there was no confidence inside just sadness laid about
It ruined relationships back then I always sought excitement, something to make me feel alive
Chasing a dream, but once I had it, I no longer wanted it, the fun was short lived once again the cloud would arrive.

Violence, shouting, fear and constant reprimand caused a low mood and disposition to really take set
At night I would have re occurring dreams, where i was chased by an invisible being, strong winds slowed me down hopelessness I could not forget
Everyone around seemed to have life figured out, they smiled with their partners and relationships seem to last
I had a new man, a new child, it never lasted I became bored and angry then out in the cold the man I would cast.

At night I cried but by day I wore a mask burdened with guilt for all the wrongs I did
I was intolerant of others, easily irritated in rage I cleared a path and my friends frequently I got rid
Lonely yet seeking love, I found no enjoyment in friends, relationships, activities and in life
Yet I grew up albeit still broken, no language to explain my thoughts I became someone’s wife

Anxious worried all I wanted was to fit in, to be excepted, I wanted to please
The symptoms of my dark cloud I wanted to disappear I wanted the impact of it to cease

It took me many years and the death of my son to know I suffered with a severe depression
It was not simply a hectic work live, misbehaved children although back then that is what I used as the reason
I was tired because I didn’t sleep, irritated from my head to my feet, isolated as inside I felt defeat, broken under my dark cloud
Lonely, unable to explain why with every achievement I still felt flat with a trail of broken relations I didn’t feel proud

I shared this as I spent my youth believing I was ever so kind and those around me were the cause of my pain
Their failure to act, lack of ability to see me, I put them and all the excuses before my own name
I fought to help others to get their life in order and find some solace and peace
Giving too much of myself, I helped others while hurting me as my inner hopelessness just seemed to increase.

The internal conflicts we have with ourselves impact the way we see the world, raise our children and respond to others
For me I neglected the individual behind the person that was now seen as the mother
Broken I tried to single handedly grow my children but in turn brokenness became their norm
They saw it I was just an angry person and knew rage would often in most circumstances be born

My daughter had a disagreement at school and said you better be careful as you don’t know my mum
Ric would often say, Kyron’s anger comes from you, he had a short temper also and from you it begun
My eldest daughter holds many secrets as she expects anger only to meet her words
In my head how can she think that I would not wrap her in love but this notion to her is absurd

I was not proud and had to work out what twisted my emotions why did I always meet a negative fate
My doctor said it’s called depression your symptoms many others too can mentally relate
An illness that affects the chemical imbalance of the brain
Medication, exercise, a well-balanced diet, happy thoughts, the gym, meeting up with friends can have a positive gain
Talking therapy, using self-help books mental health apps and tools, depression affects people in different ways
Prayers, meditation there are many tools to help you see brighter days
In closing its not always the other person whose behaviour needs to re arrange
Sometimes it’s your words, your approach, your input and conduct that will allow that relationship to change

Hello madness goodbye joy a book written by me Rachel Webb following the tragic murder of my 15 year old son Kyron Webb is available now on Amazon. Click the link below to purchase your copy today.

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