Moments

Two years ago today I woke to a text “mum I hate it here I wish I never came to Manchester”
I rose texting why, “boredom” you text “ I just want to come home” I bathed then I called you after
“I just want to go back to school” you groaned “in London for me can you just come”
“But Ky it’s almost GCSE’S why disrupt now, you have done so well and in June you will be done”.

“But I am the one who is doing well, it’s not the school mum it is just me
I can apply myself in any school bring me back to London, I will show you mum you will see.
If you were here I know it would be okay things will not feel like this”
I asked him “do you think I failed you” “oh no mum I just know this problem you would fix”

Kyron had been suspended as he arrived at school appearing to be under the influence of a mind altering substance
He was searched but nothing was on him, yet when the police tried to leave him he displayed an angry stance
The teacher who called was confused and said “I am not sure why he reacted as he did”
As he got away yet for some reason a punishment and for a negative outcome he seemed to dig.

The behaviour was so out of character the head mistress was scared they said his Statute and size made it intimidating
I wish I had the chance to explore the emotion behind that behaviour and really under what he was communicating
When I asked “nothing” was his response *don’t worry mum you won’t understand”
For the first time ever Kyron did not feel empowered to reveal his truth so I said when your ready I’m here to love, not judge and take your hand.

Later in the day we spoke again, “call the school please mum check the process for me to come home”
I agreed on the provision I would home school him he would not come to London to roam
After GCSE’S I wanted him in a college away from the dangers rising on London streets
Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that same fate this very day he would meet.

I called the school, he did too but the teacher we wanted was in a meeting
“Their lying” he said when I told him. “they keep saying that” I could hear his frustration heating
Okay Ky, I will sort it out let’s allow her today to reply. I said “I love you son It will be okay”
I love you to mum” those were the last words I ever got to hear him say

I told him on Friday I would send money so he could come home for the half term
We discussed how we would decorate his room and the presents for Christmas he would earn
That evening as he sat at home a call lured him outside
Everyone knows what happened next he was Stabbed left bleeding and my baby boy died
In closing do not put off for tomorrow the things you can do today
For tomorrow is never promised and you do not know when that chance may be taken away.

Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy followinf the murder of my son Kyron Webb. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook. UK/USA

Click the link below

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp&qid=1540203435&amp&sr=8-1&amp&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp&keywords=hello+madness&amp&dpPl=1&amp&dpID=41k45GKLllL&amp&ref=plSrch

Feelings

Sometimes I wake up and question myself how am I going to get through today
The pain is so raw, the longing so heavy oh how I ache for my yesterday
I close my eyes in hope that I dream a dream but instead a nightmare awaits
My brain is tired, I feel overwhelmed yet each day the same scene is what my brain creates
I know the nightmares, lack of sleep, fear, paranoid thoughts are a part of PTSD
But my gosh let me tell you it’s so hard living each day in the life of little me

My smile holds the words of a thousand tears
My heart aches a pain that seems to intensify with years
My mind thinks of his murderer as often as she wonders onto him
Can I really live much longer feeling this every present darkness life is so grim?
I encourage others and at times use my words to encourage and motivate myself
As without them I would be out alone in the cold like a garden elf

Sometimes though, like now I feel as though I cannot breathe
I feel dizzy, I scratch my throat, my stomach turns and I want to heave
Two years on, yet in my heart, house and mind it just happened this morning
You know I still have the nightmares of that call, I become so anxious when I see anyone calling
Right now I just feel so sad, so empty, broken and once again alone
My new neighborhood is friendly enough but still I long to go home

The children have had their struggles some bullying along the way
But nothing compared to losing him on that cold October day
The phoenix is still standing but I have an injury in my wing
I lift my head to release my struggles but when I open my mouth I cannot sing
I know this is just a wave as I enter my season to cry
I hope that the wings of peace through this time do not pass me by

It’s the nightmares, the lack of sleep the taunting inside my mind
I pray this October as you visit again Grief try to be a little kind
For right now my days never seem to light, I feel heavy laden and oppressed
Come to think of it this low mood has lasted sometime I think I am depressed.

Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy followinf the murder of my son Kyron Webb. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook. UK/USA

Click the link below

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp&qid=1540203435&amp&sr=8-1&amp&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp&keywords=hello+madness&amp&dpPl=1&amp&dpID=41k45GKLllL&amp&ref=plSrch

Reflection

This week I have been reflecting on my skills and impact as a single mother
I remembered a time when my mothering skills declined as I put more effort into beings someone’s lover
I reviewed the long hours I used to work, the amount of time I stayed away
My exhaustion because of this and the things in frustration I would say
I reflected over the times I used gifts to excuse my absence and guilt
As I looked back at my actions and decisions tears from my eyes really spilt

I felt shame realising that I placed work in front of the children I was blessed to protect
I had convinced myself I worked hard so they would want for nothing and not become victims of neglect
I was caught up in the myth that happiness and life was only good if you had big money
But in reality all I needed was enough to survive and my children quality time with their mummy
My absence gave room for bad habits to form, the older two seemed to take responsibility of themselves
In reality I lost out on Precious memories, time to nurture and build them as I sort corperate wealth

In life we have to work and as single parents it can be hard to seek proper life balance
Having a career, being a mum, feeding your individual needs, finding love are all in our glance
Kyron’s death changed me, I lost the worse so now I no longer feel I have much to lose
When making decisions for our home I sit and discuss with the children so that they help me to choose
Yes I still go to work, I am able to socialise, spend time with the children and have a little time for me
It may not be as much freedom as I want, but I was the one that took up this mantle I chose to be a mummy.

When we become pregnant how many of us immediately begin to speak positive affirmations over our stomach
As the bump begins to form as the child grows how many speak life and prosperity over our hearts new monarch
When the child is born how often do we glorify their heritage informing them they are descendants of kings and queens
Do we anoint their hearts with truth, cover their feet with strength and sow seeds of wisdom in controlling what they see
Do we truly understand the blessing that we hold, and the job of nurture that lays before us
Do we truly understand the responsibility that we hold and exactly how not to break that bond or trust.

How many of us understand impact, or how our communication and behaviour affects a child
How many of us stop and see how our relationships good or bad can make hard that what was once mild
How many remember in the bustle of life that our actions are scrutinised by our children they mould themselves on you.
Sometimes the back talk, promiscuity, anti social behaviour, substance addiction actually stems from what they see too

How many of us can honestly reflect and take accountability for we as the older generation are the route to what we see today
How many of us can really admit how we damaged our children through our own selfish desires living life in our own way

My behaviour in the past taught my children that alcohol was the way to problem solve
When things became to much I would seek intoxication as a way to escape nothing was really resolved
My boys in time were tempted to taste alcohol, then smoking was added to the mix
I am ashamed to know I played my part from this experience I was able to change and my parenting fix.
I have come to see inside we hold the seed of our calling and purpose, we hold the seed of resolution
I admit as an older I played a part in the problem. Now i stand to be part of the solution

_____________________________________

Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy followinf the murder of my son Kyron Webb. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook. UK/USA

Click the link below

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp&qid=1540203435&amp&sr=8-1&amp&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp&keywords=hello+madness&amp&dpPl=1&amp&dpID=41k45GKLllL&amp&ref=plSrch

Kyron

This post is a love song to my boy Kyron Antonio Webb
No matter how hard I try I cannot overcome the fact that you’re dead
I never knew I had the capacity to love another so much
The feelings keep growing, I long for a hug, to hear your voice, see your face and feel your touch

My chest is so full I think it may burst
With all this love along with all this hurt
I started writing as I did not want death to silence your name
I now work with young people so they can see their life should not be lived in vain

I hear them say of their behaviour I’m serious man has no conscious I don’t care
But their eyes tell another tale, the background story is buried under many tears
I miss your laughter I try hard not to, but I wish you would come back to me
I scream each day inside as I cannot believe that he did not see your worth or beauty

I don’t want to touch soil I want to stroke your face and touch your hair
I don’t want to pull weeds I just want to look up and see you standing there
I don’t want to lay flowers, light candles, and play a song as I cry
I no longer want to sit in the dark rocking and wondering why

I no longer want this pain that threatens to rip my chest
Instead I want to hold you near and on my chest your head shall rest
Sadly, life will not give me what I want so right now all I can do is cry
Oh my darling baby boy why did you have to die

Your brother’s posts, DP and statuses are always about you and his relationship
Another thing that rips me up is your siblings have to carry deaths hardship

____________________________________

Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy followinf the murder of my son Kyron Webb. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook. UK/USA

Click the link below

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp&qid=1540203435&amp&sr=8-1&amp&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp&keywords=hello+madness&amp&dpPl=1&amp&dpID=41k45GKLllL&amp&ref=plSrch

Change is needed

Here we are nearly two years on and still we are asking why is this happening?
Young black faces on the news and in the paper, another stabbing, shooting these babies are still dying
Section 60 powers evoked but those stopped are the ones victims to this crime
No one understands what’s going on but our children are lost and angered by this rhyme.

They are feeling forgotten by society, oppressed by the law and neglected by hope
Our children are feeling ostracised in fear, choked in this nightmare unsure how they will cope

Anger rising, voices shrinking, disruptive behaviour appears
Who seeks the emotion behind the behaviour, isolation, suspension or expulsion from school who actually cares?
Young people are becoming angry with the world as everywhere they seem to face victimisation
Fear of their own image, fear of the law, frustrated with the community’s reactions

Tired of running, tired of looking over their shoulder, worried if this day may be their last
Fed up of trying, feeling defeated by circumstances, in a system that makes them feel like outcasts
Voices expressing a language that young people hear but adults tend to not know
Being told I’m done with you, hearing and seeing the increasing frustration from parents, police and teachers as they grow.

Due to lack of understanding and empathy for another’s struggle we simply blame the parents
But good parenting is not the only answer; parents themselves face racism and negative circumstances
Discrimination, segregation, unhealed pain they take it out on their children
Unknown to them they have not recognised the language of their own tribulations

The children then take it out on each other and society. For many, violence does do something to get rid of pain and anger.
If equality is out there for all then why are these children dying? Is there even a simple answer?
If poverty, is there enough money and opportunities available to make a change?
If parenting, are there resources available to support families to ensure parents can better engage

If education, can we implement better systems to manage disruptive behaviour instead of isolation
If we as a community really care about this can we please find soon an effective resolution
I understand that this issue is not new and knife crime has been around a while
But I still cry out for help as I wish to stop seeing children crying, I wish to celebrate their smiles.

____________________________________

Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy followinf the murder of my son Kyron Webb. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook. UK/USA

Click the link below

Role models

A role model is a person who serves as an example by influencing others.
A role model is found in our friends, workplaces, on the TV, in siblings, fathers and mothers
For many children, the most important role models are their parents and caregivers.
What is the detriment if these so called role models are inaccurate, negative leaders

Children look up to a variety of role models to help shape how they behave
In school, through relationships, or when making difficult decisions to bring about change
Having role models in our life is very important, and having good role models is essential
Positive role models influence our actions and motivate us to strive to uncover our true potentials

Role models are human; so they will make mistakes.
A slight interruption to a permanent change if positive is still in my opinion great
Parents who admit to their mistakes, learn from them, and strive to better
They motivate emotional growth in children as mistakes simply create a lessons learned letter

Society influences people by shaping their belief systems, controlling their behaviour and determining their values.
It sends these messages to individuals through the media, school curricula, community leaders, family and religious principles

Culture as an influence of behaviour takes the “nurture” side of the argument
It educates our children on their mode of communication, engagement and behaviour management
It impacts the influences of behaviour, our culture looks at the totality of any given society
Moulding our belief system, laws, morals, values, practices, attitudes, uniqueness and social variety

The actions, reactions, and thoughts of an individual are influenced by other people or groups.
Check the influences within your home and social circle do they uplift or stir issues like soup
Social influence may be represented by peer pressure, persuasion, other people’s issues and conformity.
Bad influences are all around on road, at school, on the tele and within our own families.

Be mindful of the intentions of those you have around your children and young people
I get everyone needs a break but remember not all intentions are good or even cool.

______________________________________

Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook.

Click the link below

Another day

Autumn is transition from summer and shows us great beauty in the seasonal change
We see the leaves falling to the ground, and the temperature falls as the scenery is rearranged
Many begin to get excited as they realise that Christmas is approaching and almost here
As a child Autumn was once my favourite time of year

Now it is stained with the hardest memories and for me holds the darkest pain
Sleep seems to desert me, now I overeat and my real-life nightmares play out again
It makes me emotional as throughout the year I am convinced I have made some progress
Then Autumn comes and all the symptoms return, inside I seem to regress

I struggle to hold onto to reality, but my eyes can only see the past
My ears only hear those heartbeats fading away into darkness quite fast
My lips tingle at the coldness, I remember his forehead was clammy
As I gave him that last kiss as he slipped away silently

I am irritated when I see family fall outs as my mind whispers, they would care if the person dropped dead
I am outraged watching arguments and silly disputes as time is precious I scream please love instead
I hate hearing the words I’m done; I give up you’re nothing to me
For this same being will become majestic in the event their spirit is taken suddenly

Ugly trauma changes us, I was bitten and no matter how hard I try I am never going to be the same
I feel no comfort in life, I just ache for my memories my smile is buried in his name
My head is chaotic my thoughts dance in the silence of my brain
Depression rapes me during the autumn nights they make me feel I am going insane
I am embarrassed now as I feel the impact this is having on my mental health
I am embarrassed that I don’t seem to be able to sustain the positivity my brain feels like it’s riding stealth

I go up with speed and scream in excitement as I reach that peak in height
Then I take a turn go upside down I become scared but scream with fake delight
Then comes the mighty fall, down and down I go
Back at the bottom again I fake a smile in the hope that those around me won’t know

I am ashamed to know people follow me, look up to me and rely on my positive glow
But I have to be honest to maintain my sanity Autumn reminds me of death and causes that positivity to go
At day I smile and my words are encouraging for all those that gather around
The accomplice in a few months will be free but me I continue my life sentence alternating between a smile and this crippling frown

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Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook.

Click the link below