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G.U.I.L.T.Y

I have always used my social media platform to express my truth and liberation
In text I have shared with an unknown audience the horrors and plights of my mental conversations
I have shown you my sadness, shared my phrases, cried out in misery
I feel bad sometimes writing words of encouragement when dark pain lives inside me

In expressing the not so pretty I felt a sense of release but there was still something that stopped me feeling totally free
Sitting drinking a cup of berry tea, it finally hit me, for my children I still feel extremely guilty
I am guilty for the partners I brought home that unsettled them and the home
I feel guilty that I am scared to let the little ones out, scared for them to roam alone

I am guilty for spending time away when my attention was distracted or somewhere else
Guilt for the hours once worked, away with a loved one when I was only consumed with myself
Guilt that I stopped listening, leaving them in the care of others for days on end
I feel guilty that I allowed work and life get in the way of being my young children’s best friend

I feel guilty for the times I spoke to them out of anger, frustration and rage
I feel guilty for the chastisement that came fourth due to horrors from a past traumatic stage
I feel guilty then when I felt I could not cope I did not go and seek professional help
I feel guilty that I over loaded myself so much for career progression, popularity and wealth

I feel guilty that I never paid the young children enough meaningful attention
I feel guilty that life got in the way of constructive and purpose filled conversations
I feel guilty for letting go when in fact I should have embraced more
I feel guilty for allowing Kyron, in March 2016, to walk out the door

I feel guilty that I have shut down and my smile is faded due to sorrow
I feel guilty my children grow knowing their mum said to switch off the machine removing Kyron from their tomorrow
I feel guilty that I have pulled away from family and friends
I feel guilty for not fearing death but secretly welcoming it so this pain really ends
I feel guilty as I know a corpse is trying to love and grow her children
I am trying but I feel guilty for being broken, for always crying, endless days in bed
I feel guilty as I know no matter how excited my voice may sound inside the emotions are flat as I am still dead.

I think when we all make a mistake; we tend to just root ourselves in this cycle of shame
Inside we live with guilt and regret, often chastising ourselves and calling ourselves negative names.
I know my mind plays tricks as at the time I believed I was doing my best
Working hard so the children had what they required to develop, having me time to allow for mental rest
The lesson for me now is learning how to forgive myself for the purpose of moving forward.
So that guilt can be used as a guide to keep living, loving and thriving without feeling awkward

Hello madness goodbye joy a book written by me Rachel Webb following the tragic murder of my 15 year old son Kyron Webb is available now on Amazon. Click the link below to purchase your copy today.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1540203435&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=hello+madness&dpPl=1&dpID=41k45GKLllL&ref=plSrch

He’s out 🤬🤬🤬

The year began with him on my mind as he appealed his sentence of 5 years,
We sat in court on January 15th 2019 staring at his face on a screen, fighting back angry tears
The smug expression he held at the end when he heard he had won his plight
Time taken off his sentence due to time in care while we gathered evidence for our justice fight
The blow to our abdomens brought silence to the room, my family were saddened and dazed
A victorious moment for a murderer, but his victim now blurred our gaze.

I remember leaving the room, sadness overcame, my heart so heavy with grief
Kind words, arms around me, nothing gave me inspiration or mild relief
Now as the year ends I was text by Kyron’s friend to say he has been released I actually thought it was a joke
I called my family liaison officer her confirmation caused my anger to be provoked
I cannot lie but thoughts of revenge filled me I wanted to find him and trample his throat
Rage caused me to imagine dragging him to the slaughter like a screaming goat

But then I remembered Kyron and thought to hold onto the love I have for him is greater
For if I hold onto this rage, I could once again lose everything due to this boiling anger
I had not received a call from probation something they assured me they would do
I was told he no longer resides in Manchester; he gets a second chance well isn’t that good for you
While this Christmas we again had to celebrate while shedding tears
He was welcomed home with love, laughter and gleeful cheers

It’s hard, his identity from the world is hidden due to age he was granted anonymity
But his actions are known to the world along with the loss and impact he has had on my family
I know I should not but I checked his social media page and he wrote “f the system and free all my g’s”
Pictures of him and others in a cell, like it’s a joke, no regard for Kyron and me
He has never shown remorse, never said sorry, he did not write to seek sympathy
Just pictures of him flexing his muscles you would not think he was inside as it just looked like a youth academy
2 years on and my pain is raw this year the worst of the pain
Yet 2 years on my son’s murderer freedom for Christmas he gained.
I was told to prepare myself as now he is released he may share his story in a rap song
He can release music insulting Kyron for the world to hear now ain’t that wrong
I am not sure if my heart can bare to hear him speak of my son in jest
I am praying this will not come to pass and he will allow my sons memory to rest

I don’t like him I never have but I hope he turns his life around
I’m struggling that he Is living free while my baby remains in the ground.

A Copy of my novel Hello Madness Goodbye Joy can be obtained from Amazon using the link below

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp&qid=1540203435&amp&sr=8-1&amp&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp&keywords=hello+madness&amp&dpPl=1&amp&dpID=41k45GKLllL&amp&ref=plSrch

The past does not hold the power of change, you do❤

It never stops, it never goes away, a part of you is changed forever
The ups, the downs and the emotions in between, they never truly stop no never
The highs, the lows, that shaded glow, no sleep, poor retention a need to feel yourself
A longing to be who you once were but tragedy has scarred your mental health
A desire to belong, to feel, to love without sadness ever present or near
To attend a party, eat and have a drink without a memory causing you to shed a tear.

It’s like a rebirth but instead of being conceived in passion and love you’re birthed into a world through trauma
Like a babe you have to go through the developmental stage learning how Io walk, talk, survive and grow stronger, and find inner humour


It feels almost like you’re in a bubble and the rest of the world is happy on the outside
Your smile is always distracted by the redness of your eyes the evidence that once again you cried
In the beginning its shock, denial, anger, pain, a never-ending revolving cycle
As time goes by its experiencing things from a different sort of angle

Happiness comes in different forms but it’s shadowed because of that sense of loss
You either choose to give in or rise, determined to stand at any cost
Others around you believe there is a time limit as your pain for them is a memory but for you it’s an emotion everyday
No matter the encouragement given, no matter the length of time, those triggers never go away
So, protect yourself and guard your heart your cause may be your strength
But remember you also need time away, to rest, recharge and emotionally vent

I fought very hard to find the old me but she has gone and this just got me down
It darkened the little light that over the months I thought I had finally found
I needed a big change. I left adult social care, I now work with children and young people with EBD
Despite that shadow I finally feel content in my career this is definitely the job for me


Work life balance is definitely a must, making memories with the children my goal
Words of love and encouragement, how I feel about them they definitely know
I value the opportunity of making memories for when I go that is what I leave behind
When I am no longer walking this earth I hope these happy memories help them stand in time

In closing our past experiences shape us, they have made us who we are today
But the past does not have to dictate us for we can learn to still live just in a different way
The love without an ending can be channelled into another path
Think about the one you weep for would they want you to give up or do anything to ensure you last
No one can tell you how to heal and the worse is when they try to compare
Remember you are the hero you’re designed to be; this is your path to walk not theirs
Everything you need to survive in life is tied up already in you
Our past does not hold the power of change, my darling you do

Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy following the murder of my son Kyron Webb. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook. UK/USA Click the link below

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp&qid=1540203435&amp&sr=8-1&amp&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp&keywords=hello+madness&amp&dpPl=1&amp&dpID=41k45GKLllL&amp&ref=plSrch

Restorative justice

I am embracing restorative justice as I want a face to face with my son’s murderer
Unsure if he has anything in him to heal me now, but I want to tell him all about my soldier
I want him to see the child he slew, I need to explain my son’s light and impacting potential
I feel his death has simply shown me that this murderer now holds the gear stick and I hold the steering wheel
My family do not want to meet him. In my children’s hearts, where he is concerned they do not care
My surviving children say on sight, rage would cause violence to erupt and punches into him would tear
The only question they have for him is why did you kill our brother
As forgiveness is not a word they want to consider, they cannot be restorative towards this other
For them, a sad back story simply makes excuses for his violent and unprovoked actions
My 12 year old daughter feels you always have a choice, murder is not the only option
My 10 year old son says he does not deserve a second chance
Kyron gave you no reason to hurt him, no violence nor aggression, so there was no need to fall into a murdering trance

Restorative justice, the system of criminal justice that focuses on the rehabilitation of an offender
Where they are shown the ripple effect of their actions and for many their internal anger will surrender
The process encourages reconciliation with the victims and the wider community at large
Many people are against it as they feel this gives an offender a lesser charge
But for those who engage, it’s said to be quite therapeutic and reinforces that justice has been done
It’s said to reduce the risk of reoffending allowing the notion that even in loss someone still has won

The restorative justice process is said to also reduce the risk of post traumatic stress disorder
Helping remove the risk of the victim seeking revenge birthed in rage against the offender
The victim and the offender come together to seek a common goal and answers
Also supporting the offender through reflection of self to fit back into society and embrace positive chances
The process of restorative justice is to help people to move on with their lives
It brings answers to questions and comfort to those feeling empty and their weakened cries

Also helping the victims repair from the impact of crime giving them back their voice
To tell the offender how they have impacted their lives when they made that cowardly choice
The offender has the chance to take ownership, responsibility and accountability for their actions
Also they have a chance to apologise for their impact that set off an unfortunate reaction
Restorative justice can be effective and used in any type of crime
It is essential this process is carried out when both parties are at the right place and at the right time

Not everyone is sorry, not every offender had the ability to undertake this process
Due to a mental disturbance, they are hard wired and proud of their offences
The aim of restorative justice is to heal the wounds of victims and bring about restoration
For the offender, it’s to create a law abiding citizen accepted by the community again through resolution

This process was designed to repair the harm caused by another’s behaviour
It’s used in schools now as a form of discipline, talking circles used to diffuse and dilute angers flavor

Restorative justice does not necessarily work for everyone as hurt and anger rages within
But to be restorative for me is where that peace in healing begins
There is no time limit as to when this should be done, it’s something one can do when the time feels right
You may never want a meeting don’t feel bad as that too is alright.

Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy followinf the murder of my son Kyron Webb. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook. UK/USA

Click the link below

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp&qid=1540203435&amp&sr=8-1&amp&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp&keywords=hello+madness&amp&dpPl=1&amp&dpID=41k45GKLllL&amp&ref=plSrch

Be of good courage

Life is a funny thing for it takes sadness to occur for us to appreciate happiness
Loss for us to see the beauty of gain and grief to understand the value of joyfulness
It takes noise and disruption for us to see the real beauty in silence and peace
With the loss of absence we value the presence of loved ones now deceased.
You see we don’t always appreciate the seasons of life nor do we always see the lesson to learn
Or appreciate our steps have been ordered, life is just forming a warrior within its amour through seasons will earn

We rise to embrace a new day but neither of us know how the day we end
For some it may be a proposal of marriage, a death, a job promotion or deep laughter with a friend
Loss of a job, a broken relationship, tears or laughter may today await
This day for you may be a blessing but for another being it may not be so great
However, rain or shine I believe their is a purpose for your life with experiences that help us to grow
Such experience bring an insight to wisdom teaching us things about ourselves we did not know

I believe everything relating to our survival in life is already tied into our souls
The greatest seeds I realise in life are the ones through sweat and blood were sown
Winter brings cold, spring brings new beginnings, summer is warmth and autumn is change
When we experience these four seasons in life, life as we once knew it becomes rearranged.
Today many people rise with a heavy heart due to some form of loss or change to their situation
With others rising with a smile, joy and giving thanks for a new day and new revelations

Some are smiling through pain and tears as they have given birth
While others cry pain and tears as they commit loved ones to the earth
Some of us wake with an anxious brain, undecided about what the future may hold
While some may be pondering over the news yesterday they were happily told

There is a lesson to learn in your pain one that requires you not to give up
There is someone out here waiting with love and strength to refill your cup
It may be a friend, a family member or a stranger in a Facebook group
But we are here in numbers, ready with words of encouragement where you feel mute
For your not the first to face your trails many around you actually understand
Ready with that comforting hand and that love that enables you to stand

Do not speak badly of yourself as that weakens the warrior within
Cry if you must, seek support and assistance, don’t suffer in silence as once again you will grin
For the struggle you see today is developing your strength for tomorrow
Happiness is yours to have again with love be encouraged to push through that sorrow

Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy followinf the murder of my son Kyron Webb. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook. UK/USA

Click the link below

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp&qid=1540203435&amp&sr=8-1&amp&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp&keywords=hello+madness&amp&dpPl=1&amp&dpID=41k45GKLllL&amp&ref=plSrch

Can you see

There was a time when we were made to sit at the back of the bus as a sign of non acceptance
We were deemed the lowest form of society, and from this bondage great leaders sort deliverance
As generations grew, they would board a bus and rush to the back as this was now seen to be cool
Children would act loud and rowdy, screams, shouting and breaking many social rules.
There was a time when sagging trousers referred to a man being free to rape
Today, sagging trousers is seen as cool, making them feel fashionable and great

There was a time when the N word was used to degrade, insult, manage and kill
Today it’s used by many as a term of endearment and in rap songs at their free will
There was a time when murder and injustice rose leaders like Malcolm X and Martin Luther King
There was a time we fought for our communities, doing everything to ensure the oppressor did not win
As a nation, we were once outraged by segregation and by any means necessary we wanted to walk as one
But in seeking equality and unity, new ways to divide a nation has begun

There was a time the community stood, celebrating, singing songs and partying together
Today, within our community we barely know our neighbours and we are taught to fear and attack our brother
There was a time we lived in unity, holding one another up and washing the wounds of another’s infliction
But today, we watch and pull out our mobile phones to record and upload another man’s bullet hole or their knifed reaction.

There was a time unity was the strength and encouragement that enabled many to stand.
A time where if you beat me, my community wanted to embrace me and settle my trembling hand
Now my affliction has become entertainment a video that will go viral.
While we sit conversing on how we wish things could be, destruction is spiralling touching us all.
We say “In our day such things did not happen, children knew their place and respect in the home was great”
Now everyone is looking at parents to blame for all the violence and the hate.

Do you ever wonder why do we only educate ourselves within the law of the street once our loved one falls.
We live carefree, uneducated, selfishly blinding ourselves to the impact of new laws
Too busy to see the real impact of such decisions, only reacting to the negative outcome of such flaws
We live in a system where others who do not live your experiences decide the minimum income for your home
A system that decides what budget cuts are made, what services to cut and whose credit score deserves that loan
A system that decides what education your child is to receive and what families they deem deserves help
A system that will allow you to get so far then in an instance it’s gone yet no one hears your broken yelp

How many encourage our young people to work in government, become part of the decision
How many of us vote, lobby petitions, have your say and strongly advocate for change within reason
How many of us can see crime as colourless, ageless, imageless and stand to fight to bring salvation
Why is it that we take what was once used as oppression and make it fashion?
Do some feel this is taking power back, as I simply see it as making negativity and hatred a norm
By making light, the impact such conduct has on our community; desensitisation within the younger community will form.

Violence amongst our young people is stated to be black on black crime
This causes other races within the community to ignore or stand undecided on the moral line
They do not feel the threat will reach their door, so cannot see importance in the current issues
Many of us if we don’t fit a mould, do nothing or very little until the issue itself hits you
Murder does not see colour, age, sexual orientation, dress sense, slang or social economy
Death is not blinded by divide and rule, discrimination, racism or any other silly reality

Death simply roams with life’s list as his job is to claim people like you and me
Do not allow difference to distract you, as really we are all human segregated by money. But in death that means nothing as we’re all the same really.

Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy followinf the murder of my son Kyron Webb. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook. UK/USA

Click the link below

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp&qid=1540203435&amp&sr=8-1&amp&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp&keywords=hello+madness&amp&dpPl=1&amp&dpID=41k45GKLllL&amp&ref=plSrch

Tomorrow is not yours so change your today please

As I prepare for a day to look at dirt, shed tears and reflect on what was
A thought has come to my mind why don’t we gather for those living lost just because
For the one that has died already has their full stop they cannot rise again from the grave
But for those still here, trapped in a negative system they are still able to save

We give compassion to the fallen and are angered by the way in which they were taken
But little empathy is given to the ones who were responsible we care little for why they young are broken
Anger separates us from their needs through neglect in their lives that arise
For we become bitter and distant due to the tears and blood they spat in our eyes

Our children each day are still going missing, hurting one another and dying
Our children are killing, being killed as a nation many of us will spend the rest of our lives crying
But could we make a united shift if the energy used to mourn was placed on those that survive
Could we ever see a murderer as a victim could we see a product of many failings when we look into their eyes

Children are our future it is our responsibility to teach them how to love themselves
That self-love will enable them to love others, that self-love enhances their mental health
Listen how many of us are holding malice against family not speaking to someone due to hurt
When was the last time many saw Kyron, spoke to him, embraced and encourage before he was covered in dirt?

How often do we call our loved ones, to say hi, check in on them and find out if they are truly well?
How many of us honesty know if that face book profiler is as happy as you think, or are they living in hell
How many take time to mend bridges and love regardless if your opinion differs from the next?
As you read this reflect how much distance do you have from friends because they made you vex

How would you feel if that angered word was truly your last as the hour chimed when they went away?
How many of you if your loved ones were to die are truly at peace with the last thing you had to say

For the dead get the terms of endearment, the love, the gatherings and so much time to them is given
What do you think will happen if we gave all that energy, time and attention to those in need that are living?

Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy followinf the murder of my son Kyron Webb. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook. UK/USA

Click the link below

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp&qid=1540203435&amp&sr=8-1&amp&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp&keywords=hello+madness&amp&dpPl=1&amp&dpID=41k45GKLllL&amp&ref=plSrch