Blog

Be of good courage

Life is a funny thing for it takes sadness to occur for us to appreciate happiness
Loss for us to see the beauty of gain and grief to understand the value of joyfulness
It takes noise and disruption for us to see the real beauty in silence and peace
With the loss of absence we value the presence of loved ones now deceased.
You see we don’t always appreciate the seasons of life nor do we always see the lesson to learn
Or appreciate our steps have been ordered, life is just forming a warrior within its amour through seasons will earn

We rise to embrace a new day but neither of us know how the day we end
For some it may be a proposal of marriage, a death, a job promotion or deep laughter with a friend
Loss of a job, a broken relationship, tears or laughter may today await
This day for you may be a blessing but for another being it may not be so great
However, rain or shine I believe their is a purpose for your life with experiences that help us to grow
Such experience bring an insight to wisdom teaching us things about ourselves we did not know

I believe everything relating to our survival in life is already tied into our souls
The greatest seeds I realise in life are the ones through sweat and blood were sown
Winter brings cold, spring brings new beginnings, summer is warmth and autumn is change
When we experience these four seasons in life, life as we once knew it becomes rearranged.
Today many people rise with a heavy heart due to some form of loss or change to their situation
With others rising with a smile, joy and giving thanks for a new day and new revelations

Some are smiling through pain and tears as they have given birth
While others cry pain and tears as they commit loved ones to the earth
Some of us wake with an anxious brain, undecided about what the future may hold
While some may be pondering over the news yesterday they were happily told

There is a lesson to learn in your pain one that requires you not to give up
There is someone out here waiting with love and strength to refill your cup
It may be a friend, a family member or a stranger in a Facebook group
But we are here in numbers, ready with words of encouragement where you feel mute
For your not the first to face your trails many around you actually understand
Ready with that comforting hand and that love that enables you to stand

Do not speak badly of yourself as that weakens the warrior within
Cry if you must, seek support and assistance, don’t suffer in silence as once again you will grin
For the struggle you see today is developing your strength for tomorrow
Happiness is yours to have again with love be encouraged to push through that sorrow

Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy followinf the murder of my son Kyron Webb. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook. UK/USA

Click the link below

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp&qid=1540203435&amp&sr=8-1&amp&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp&keywords=hello+madness&amp&dpPl=1&amp&dpID=41k45GKLllL&amp&ref=plSrch

Can you see

There was a time when we were made to sit at the back of the bus as a sign of non acceptance
We were deemed the lowest form of society, and from this bondage great leaders sort deliverance
As generations grew, they would board a bus and rush to the back as this was now seen to be cool
Children would act loud and rowdy, screams, shouting and breaking many social rules.
There was a time when sagging trousers referred to a man being free to rape
Today, sagging trousers is seen as cool, making them feel fashionable and great

There was a time when the N word was used to degrade, insult, manage and kill
Today it’s used by many as a term of endearment and in rap songs at their free will
There was a time when murder and injustice rose leaders like Malcolm X and Martin Luther King
There was a time we fought for our communities, doing everything to ensure the oppressor did not win
As a nation, we were once outraged by segregation and by any means necessary we wanted to walk as one
But in seeking equality and unity, new ways to divide a nation has begun

There was a time the community stood, celebrating, singing songs and partying together
Today, within our community we barely know our neighbours and we are taught to fear and attack our brother
There was a time we lived in unity, holding one another up and washing the wounds of another’s infliction
But today, we watch and pull out our mobile phones to record and upload another man’s bullet hole or their knifed reaction.

There was a time unity was the strength and encouragement that enabled many to stand.
A time where if you beat me, my community wanted to embrace me and settle my trembling hand
Now my affliction has become entertainment a video that will go viral.
While we sit conversing on how we wish things could be, destruction is spiralling touching us all.
We say “In our day such things did not happen, children knew their place and respect in the home was great”
Now everyone is looking at parents to blame for all the violence and the hate.

Do you ever wonder why do we only educate ourselves within the law of the street once our loved one falls.
We live carefree, uneducated, selfishly blinding ourselves to the impact of new laws
Too busy to see the real impact of such decisions, only reacting to the negative outcome of such flaws
We live in a system where others who do not live your experiences decide the minimum income for your home
A system that decides what budget cuts are made, what services to cut and whose credit score deserves that loan
A system that decides what education your child is to receive and what families they deem deserves help
A system that will allow you to get so far then in an instance it’s gone yet no one hears your broken yelp

How many encourage our young people to work in government, become part of the decision
How many of us vote, lobby petitions, have your say and strongly advocate for change within reason
How many of us can see crime as colourless, ageless, imageless and stand to fight to bring salvation
Why is it that we take what was once used as oppression and make it fashion?
Do some feel this is taking power back, as I simply see it as making negativity and hatred a norm
By making light, the impact such conduct has on our community; desensitisation within the younger community will form.

Violence amongst our young people is stated to be black on black crime
This causes other races within the community to ignore or stand undecided on the moral line
They do not feel the threat will reach their door, so cannot see importance in the current issues
Many of us if we don’t fit a mould, do nothing or very little until the issue itself hits you
Murder does not see colour, age, sexual orientation, dress sense, slang or social economy
Death is not blinded by divide and rule, discrimination, racism or any other silly reality

Death simply roams with life’s list as his job is to claim people like you and me
Do not allow difference to distract you, as really we are all human segregated by money. But in death that means nothing as we’re all the same really.

Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy followinf the murder of my son Kyron Webb. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook. UK/USA

Click the link below

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp&qid=1540203435&amp&sr=8-1&amp&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp&keywords=hello+madness&amp&dpPl=1&amp&dpID=41k45GKLllL&amp&ref=plSrch

Tomorrow is not yours so change your today please

As I prepare for a day to look at dirt, shed tears and reflect on what was
A thought has come to my mind why don’t we gather for those living lost just because
For the one that has died already has their full stop they cannot rise again from the grave
But for those still here, trapped in a negative system they are still able to save

We give compassion to the fallen and are angered by the way in which they were taken
But little empathy is given to the ones who were responsible we care little for why they young are broken
Anger separates us from their needs through neglect in their lives that arise
For we become bitter and distant due to the tears and blood they spat in our eyes

Our children each day are still going missing, hurting one another and dying
Our children are killing, being killed as a nation many of us will spend the rest of our lives crying
But could we make a united shift if the energy used to mourn was placed on those that survive
Could we ever see a murderer as a victim could we see a product of many failings when we look into their eyes

Children are our future it is our responsibility to teach them how to love themselves
That self-love will enable them to love others, that self-love enhances their mental health
Listen how many of us are holding malice against family not speaking to someone due to hurt
When was the last time many saw Kyron, spoke to him, embraced and encourage before he was covered in dirt?

How often do we call our loved ones, to say hi, check in on them and find out if they are truly well?
How many of us honesty know if that face book profiler is as happy as you think, or are they living in hell
How many take time to mend bridges and love regardless if your opinion differs from the next?
As you read this reflect how much distance do you have from friends because they made you vex

How would you feel if that angered word was truly your last as the hour chimed when they went away?
How many of you if your loved ones were to die are truly at peace with the last thing you had to say

For the dead get the terms of endearment, the love, the gatherings and so much time to them is given
What do you think will happen if we gave all that energy, time and attention to those in need that are living?

Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy followinf the murder of my son Kyron Webb. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook. UK/USA

Click the link below

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp&qid=1540203435&amp&sr=8-1&amp&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp&keywords=hello+madness&amp&dpPl=1&amp&dpID=41k45GKLllL&amp&ref=plSrch

Moments

Two years ago today I woke to a text “mum I hate it here I wish I never came to Manchester”
I rose texting why, “boredom” you text “ I just want to come home” I bathed then I called you after
“I just want to go back to school” you groaned “in London for me can you just come”
“But Ky it’s almost GCSE’S why disrupt now, you have done so well and in June you will be done”.

“But I am the one who is doing well, it’s not the school mum it is just me
I can apply myself in any school bring me back to London, I will show you mum you will see.
If you were here I know it would be okay things will not feel like this”
I asked him “do you think I failed you” “oh no mum I just know this problem you would fix”

Kyron had been suspended as he arrived at school appearing to be under the influence of a mind altering substance
He was searched but nothing was on him, yet when the police tried to leave him he displayed an angry stance
The teacher who called was confused and said “I am not sure why he reacted as he did”
As he got away yet for some reason a punishment and for a negative outcome he seemed to dig.

The behaviour was so out of character the head mistress was scared they said his Statute and size made it intimidating
I wish I had the chance to explore the emotion behind that behaviour and really under what he was communicating
When I asked “nothing” was his response *don’t worry mum you won’t understand”
For the first time ever Kyron did not feel empowered to reveal his truth so I said when your ready I’m here to love, not judge and take your hand.

Later in the day we spoke again, “call the school please mum check the process for me to come home”
I agreed on the provision I would home school him he would not come to London to roam
After GCSE’S I wanted him in a college away from the dangers rising on London streets
Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that same fate this very day he would meet.

I called the school, he did too but the teacher we wanted was in a meeting
“Their lying” he said when I told him. “they keep saying that” I could hear his frustration heating
Okay Ky, I will sort it out let’s allow her today to reply. I said “I love you son It will be okay”
I love you to mum” those were the last words I ever got to hear him say

I told him on Friday I would send money so he could come home for the half term
We discussed how we would decorate his room and the presents for Christmas he would earn
That evening as he sat at home a call lured him outside
Everyone knows what happened next he was Stabbed left bleeding and my baby boy died
In closing do not put off for tomorrow the things you can do today
For tomorrow is never promised and you do not know when that chance may be taken away.

Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy followinf the murder of my son Kyron Webb. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook. UK/USA

Click the link below

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp&qid=1540203435&amp&sr=8-1&amp&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp&keywords=hello+madness&amp&dpPl=1&amp&dpID=41k45GKLllL&amp&ref=plSrch

Feelings

Sometimes I wake up and question myself how am I going to get through today
The pain is so raw, the longing so heavy oh how I ache for my yesterday
I close my eyes in hope that I dream a dream but instead a nightmare awaits
My brain is tired, I feel overwhelmed yet each day the same scene is what my brain creates
I know the nightmares, lack of sleep, fear, paranoid thoughts are a part of PTSD
But my gosh let me tell you it’s so hard living each day in the life of little me

My smile holds the words of a thousand tears
My heart aches a pain that seems to intensify with years
My mind thinks of his murderer as often as she wonders onto him
Can I really live much longer feeling this every present darkness life is so grim?
I encourage others and at times use my words to encourage and motivate myself
As without them I would be out alone in the cold like a garden elf

Sometimes though, like now I feel as though I cannot breathe
I feel dizzy, I scratch my throat, my stomach turns and I want to heave
Two years on, yet in my heart, house and mind it just happened this morning
You know I still have the nightmares of that call, I become so anxious when I see anyone calling
Right now I just feel so sad, so empty, broken and once again alone
My new neighborhood is friendly enough but still I long to go home

The children have had their struggles some bullying along the way
But nothing compared to losing him on that cold October day
The phoenix is still standing but I have an injury in my wing
I lift my head to release my struggles but when I open my mouth I cannot sing
I know this is just a wave as I enter my season to cry
I hope that the wings of peace through this time do not pass me by

It’s the nightmares, the lack of sleep the taunting inside my mind
I pray this October as you visit again Grief try to be a little kind
For right now my days never seem to light, I feel heavy laden and oppressed
Come to think of it this low mood has lasted sometime I think I am depressed.

Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy followinf the murder of my son Kyron Webb. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook. UK/USA

Click the link below

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp&qid=1540203435&amp&sr=8-1&amp&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp&keywords=hello+madness&amp&dpPl=1&amp&dpID=41k45GKLllL&amp&ref=plSrch

Reflection

This week I have been reflecting on my skills and impact as a single mother
I remembered a time when my mothering skills declined as I put more effort into beings someone’s lover
I reviewed the long hours I used to work, the amount of time I stayed away
My exhaustion because of this and the things in frustration I would say
I reflected over the times I used gifts to excuse my absence and guilt
As I looked back at my actions and decisions tears from my eyes really spilt

I felt shame realising that I placed work in front of the children I was blessed to protect
I had convinced myself I worked hard so they would want for nothing and not become victims of neglect
I was caught up in the myth that happiness and life was only good if you had big money
But in reality all I needed was enough to survive and my children quality time with their mummy
My absence gave room for bad habits to form, the older two seemed to take responsibility of themselves
In reality I lost out on Precious memories, time to nurture and build them as I sort corperate wealth

In life we have to work and as single parents it can be hard to seek proper life balance
Having a career, being a mum, feeding your individual needs, finding love are all in our glance
Kyron’s death changed me, I lost the worse so now I no longer feel I have much to lose
When making decisions for our home I sit and discuss with the children so that they help me to choose
Yes I still go to work, I am able to socialise, spend time with the children and have a little time for me
It may not be as much freedom as I want, but I was the one that took up this mantle I chose to be a mummy.

When we become pregnant how many of us immediately begin to speak positive affirmations over our stomach
As the bump begins to form as the child grows how many speak life and prosperity over our hearts new monarch
When the child is born how often do we glorify their heritage informing them they are descendants of kings and queens
Do we anoint their hearts with truth, cover their feet with strength and sow seeds of wisdom in controlling what they see
Do we truly understand the blessing that we hold, and the job of nurture that lays before us
Do we truly understand the responsibility that we hold and exactly how not to break that bond or trust.

How many of us understand impact, or how our communication and behaviour affects a child
How many of us stop and see how our relationships good or bad can make hard that what was once mild
How many remember in the bustle of life that our actions are scrutinised by our children they mould themselves on you.
Sometimes the back talk, promiscuity, anti social behaviour, substance addiction actually stems from what they see too

How many of us can honestly reflect and take accountability for we as the older generation are the route to what we see today
How many of us can really admit how we damaged our children through our own selfish desires living life in our own way

My behaviour in the past taught my children that alcohol was the way to problem solve
When things became to much I would seek intoxication as a way to escape nothing was really resolved
My boys in time were tempted to taste alcohol, then smoking was added to the mix
I am ashamed to know I played my part from this experience I was able to change and my parenting fix.
I have come to see inside we hold the seed of our calling and purpose, we hold the seed of resolution
I admit as an older I played a part in the problem. Now i stand to be part of the solution

_____________________________________

Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy followinf the murder of my son Kyron Webb. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook. UK/USA

Click the link below

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp&qid=1540203435&amp&sr=8-1&amp&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp&keywords=hello+madness&amp&dpPl=1&amp&dpID=41k45GKLllL&amp&ref=plSrch

Kyron

This post is a love song to my boy Kyron Antonio Webb
No matter how hard I try I cannot overcome the fact that you’re dead
I never knew I had the capacity to love another so much
The feelings keep growing, I long for a hug, to hear your voice, see your face and feel your touch

My chest is so full I think it may burst
With all this love along with all this hurt
I started writing as I did not want death to silence your name
I now work with young people so they can see their life should not be lived in vain

I hear them say of their behaviour I’m serious man has no conscious I don’t care
But their eyes tell another tale, the background story is buried under many tears
I miss your laughter I try hard not to, but I wish you would come back to me
I scream each day inside as I cannot believe that he did not see your worth or beauty

I don’t want to touch soil I want to stroke your face and touch your hair
I don’t want to pull weeds I just want to look up and see you standing there
I don’t want to lay flowers, light candles, and play a song as I cry
I no longer want to sit in the dark rocking and wondering why

I no longer want this pain that threatens to rip my chest
Instead I want to hold you near and on my chest your head shall rest
Sadly, life will not give me what I want so right now all I can do is cry
Oh my darling baby boy why did you have to die

Your brother’s posts, DP and statuses are always about you and his relationship
Another thing that rips me up is your siblings have to carry deaths hardship

____________________________________

Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy followinf the murder of my son Kyron Webb. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook. UK/USA

Click the link below

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1728855977/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp&qid=1540203435&amp&sr=8-1&amp&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp&keywords=hello+madness&amp&dpPl=1&amp&dpID=41k45GKLllL&amp&ref=plSrch