When enough is enough?

We as parents have a past with experiences that have been kind and some that have beat us down.
We as parents have watched our children’s behaviour create the largest smiles, as well as the bitter frowns.
As parents, once a child is born, we become somewhat invisible within our individual needs,
we as parents put the child/children first as we begin to mould and develop our seed

We as parents teach our children morals, values, wise sayings and discipline.
It is within the family home that a child’s early developmental stages truly begin.
We as parents do for our children what we deem is in their best interest
But what of those parents who slowly, from their own life feel torn down with no options left

How many of us parents reflect not only on what we do for our children, but also how we behave?
The narrative we use, the friends that we keep, how we seek the attention that we crave?
How many parents when it comes to problem solving only shout?
At what point would you say its appropriate to put a child out?

If you saw me slap a child, immediately you would display concern
But what if I was drunk in front of my child, would that still cause your heart to burn?
What if I went out all the time leaving the children in someone else’s care?
Would you still say that there are signs of abuse or neglect there?

What would you do if you were my family and my child approached you in tears?
Would your family loyalty silence you? Would the backlash cause you fear?
What would you do if my child use physical aggression on me when they could not get there way
What if I was the real victim what action would you take what would you say.

If I was your sister, broken, drinking, suffering in my own traumatised mind
Would you just put it down to “that’s just the way she is” is that what you would call kind?
When do we say enough is enough, intervention is required the family really needs help?
Or is silence an easier option when your position is at stake and resentment may be felt?

Could you save that neglected child even if it meant falling out with friends and family?
How many of us honestly turn a blind eye to wrong doings all for a misplaced loyalty?

Hello madness goodbye joy a book written by me Rachel Webb following the tragic murder of my 15 year old son Kyron Webb. The novel is available now on Amazon. Click the link below to purchase your copy today. Thanks for your support.

The dark cloud

My first memory of the grey cloud was at about 7 years of age in the playground whilst at infant school
I felt a sudden darkness come over me, looking up it was grey, cloudy and misty causing me to feel afraid and very small
I have made no secret that as a child I experienced both physical, verbal and sexual abuse
As I child I could not explain this, but now I know the cloud formed as a consequential excuse

Conflicts with family, living in fear that danger lurked in every corner
As I grew, the cloud darkened it never appeared to feel any warmer
At first it would just appear when I felt low, was crying or something occurred that reminded me of hopelessness
Then one day I realised it was always there causing me to become intolerant of others always angry feeling restlessness.

I was quick to anger, ready for a fight, the smallest act would trigger me to shout
I became reckless, took risks there was no confidence inside just sadness laid about
It ruined relationships back then I always sought excitement, something to make me feel alive
Chasing a dream, but once I had it, I no longer wanted it, the fun was short lived once again the cloud would arrive.

Violence, shouting, fear and constant reprimand caused a low mood and disposition to really take set
At night I would have re occurring dreams, where i was chased by an invisible being, strong winds slowed me down hopelessness I could not forget
Everyone around seemed to have life figured out, they smiled with their partners and relationships seem to last
I had a new man, a new child, it never lasted I became bored and angry then out in the cold the man I would cast.

At night I cried but by day I wore a mask burdened with guilt for all the wrongs I did
I was intolerant of others, easily irritated in rage I cleared a path and my friends frequently I got rid
Lonely yet seeking love, I found no enjoyment in friends, relationships, activities and in life
Yet I grew up albeit still broken, no language to explain my thoughts I became someone’s wife

Anxious worried all I wanted was to fit in, to be excepted, I wanted to please
The symptoms of my dark cloud I wanted to disappear I wanted the impact of it to cease

It took me many years and the death of my son to know I suffered with a severe depression
It was not simply a hectic work live, misbehaved children although back then that is what I used as the reason
I was tired because I didn’t sleep, irritated from my head to my feet, isolated as inside I felt defeat, broken under my dark cloud
Lonely, unable to explain why with every achievement I still felt flat with a trail of broken relations I didn’t feel proud

I shared this as I spent my youth believing I was ever so kind and those around me were the cause of my pain
Their failure to act, lack of ability to see me, I put them and all the excuses before my own name
I fought to help others to get their life in order and find some solace and peace
Giving too much of myself, I helped others while hurting me as my inner hopelessness just seemed to increase.

The internal conflicts we have with ourselves impact the way we see the world, raise our children and respond to others
For me I neglected the individual behind the person that was now seen as the mother
Broken I tried to single handedly grow my children but in turn brokenness became their norm
They saw it I was just an angry person and knew rage would often in most circumstances be born

My daughter had a disagreement at school and said you better be careful as you don’t know my mum
Ric would often say, Kyron’s anger comes from you, he had a short temper also and from you it begun
My eldest daughter holds many secrets as she expects anger only to meet her words
In my head how can she think that I would not wrap her in love but this notion to her is absurd

I was not proud and had to work out what twisted my emotions why did I always meet a negative fate
My doctor said it’s called depression your symptoms many others too can mentally relate
An illness that affects the chemical imbalance of the brain
Medication, exercise, a well-balanced diet, happy thoughts, the gym, meeting up with friends can have a positive gain
Talking therapy, using self-help books mental health apps and tools, depression affects people in different ways
Prayers, meditation there are many tools to help you see brighter days
In closing its not always the other person whose behaviour needs to re arrange
Sometimes it’s your words, your approach, your input and conduct that will allow that relationship to change

Hello madness goodbye joy a book written by me Rachel Webb following the tragic murder of my 15 year old son Kyron Webb is available now on Amazon. Click the link below to purchase your copy today.

Judgement vs Support

By September 2019 there were 22,286 knife and weapon offences formally dealt with in court
This does not include the unreported incidences of knife and weapons assaults
These figures are from courts in England and in Wales
Showing a 3% increase on 2018 statistical scales

New figures show that knife crime is now at a 10 year high
The prime minister has stated that all Whitehall departments take action this makes me sigh
For every time we have a cluster of incidents or a high profile case appears
There is always a government reaction stated to reduce the countries fears

Yet nothing really appears to occur, no strong initiatives seen
What actual action is taken to reform education, health and social care and youth services in the community.
Ignorance still says blame the parents for raising the feral child
Yet no family support systems seem to be filling the gaps to assist parents when the child no longer is sweet and mild.

Can we blame the parents for conditions such as mental disorders
ADHD, Autism, bipolar and split personality.
Can I blame your parents for how life has treated me
Can we blame the parents for the poverty and disadvantage they face
Can we blame parents for lack of opportunities and options in their current living space

Can we blame parents that have to work to provide a roof and food for their child to survive
Or is it the parents fault that school finishes at 3pm but they have to work till 5
Has blaming the parents prevented children from dying on our streets
Has blaming the parents stopped children carrying knives as fear surrounds their feet

Is there a difference between children suffering from neglect, trauma or neurological disorders
Or shall we just continue putting it all down to the parents in hope it will bring societal order.
Don’t get me wrong we parents play a role and some children are products of neglect and abuse
But there are some children whose behaviour can not be explained by the poor parenting excuse
Open your eyes for their is a need, a hunger in society that remains unfed
Blame is an easy option but let’s work together to find proactive solutions instead

The key to this epidemic may be found within the construction of the family
So let’s build support around them, instead of condemning so children can achieve their full abilities.
I gave birth to five children, but it took many people to help me raise them
I could not do it alone, I required a village support team made up of family and friends.

Your condemnation of another’s parenting style may encourage a prolonged and heated conversation
But does it really create what we want to see a reduction to youth violence and positive demonstration

If we use all our energy diligently to push for change

Is that not more productive than allowing ignorance to fuel a damaging rage?

Hello madness goodbye joy a book written by me Rachel Webb following the tragic murder of my 15 year old son Kyron Webb is available now on Amazon. Click the link below to purchase your copy today.


I have always used my social media platform to express my truth and liberation
In text I have shared with an unknown audience the horrors and plights of my mental conversations
I have shown you my sadness, shared my phrases, cried out in misery
I feel bad sometimes writing words of encouragement when dark pain lives inside me

In expressing the not so pretty I felt a sense of release but there was still something that stopped me feeling totally free
Sitting drinking a cup of berry tea, it finally hit me, for my children I still feel extremely guilty
I am guilty for the partners I brought home that unsettled them and the home
I feel guilty that I am scared to let the little ones out, scared for them to roam alone

I am guilty for spending time away when my attention was distracted or somewhere else
Guilt for the hours once worked, away with a loved one when I was only consumed with myself
Guilt that I stopped listening, leaving them in the care of others for days on end
I feel guilty that I allowed work and life get in the way of being my young children’s best friend

I feel guilty for the times I spoke to them out of anger, frustration and rage
I feel guilty for the chastisement that came fourth due to horrors from a past traumatic stage
I feel guilty then when I felt I could not cope I did not go and seek professional help
I feel guilty that I over loaded myself so much for career progression, popularity and wealth

I feel guilty that I never paid the young children enough meaningful attention
I feel guilty that life got in the way of constructive and purpose filled conversations
I feel guilty for letting go when in fact I should have embraced more
I feel guilty for allowing Kyron, in March 2016, to walk out the door

I feel guilty that I have shut down and my smile is faded due to sorrow
I feel guilty my children grow knowing their mum said to switch off the machine removing Kyron from their tomorrow
I feel guilty that I have pulled away from family and friends
I feel guilty for not fearing death but secretly welcoming it so this pain really ends
I feel guilty as I know a corpse is trying to love and grow her children
I am trying but I feel guilty for being broken, for always crying, endless days in bed
I feel guilty as I know no matter how excited my voice may sound inside the emotions are flat as I am still dead.

I think when we all make a mistake; we tend to just root ourselves in this cycle of shame
Inside we live with guilt and regret, often chastising ourselves and calling ourselves negative names.
I know my mind plays tricks as at the time I believed I was doing my best
Working hard so the children had what they required to develop, having me time to allow for mental rest
The lesson for me now is learning how to forgive myself for the purpose of moving forward.
So that guilt can be used as a guide to keep living, loving and thriving without feeling awkward

Hello madness goodbye joy a book written by me Rachel Webb following the tragic murder of my 15 year old son Kyron Webb is available now on Amazon. Click the link below to purchase your copy today.

He’s out 🤬🤬🤬

The year began with him on my mind as he appealed his sentence of 5 years,
We sat in court on January 15th 2019 staring at his face on a screen, fighting back angry tears
The smug expression he held at the end when he heard he had won his plight
Time taken off his sentence due to time in care while we gathered evidence for our justice fight
The blow to our abdomens brought silence to the room, my family were saddened and dazed
A victorious moment for a murderer, but his victim now blurred our gaze.

I remember leaving the room, sadness overcame, my heart so heavy with grief
Kind words, arms around me, nothing gave me inspiration or mild relief
Now as the year ends I was text by Kyron’s friend to say he has been released I actually thought it was a joke
I called my family liaison officer her confirmation caused my anger to be provoked
I cannot lie but thoughts of revenge filled me I wanted to find him and trample his throat
Rage caused me to imagine dragging him to the slaughter like a screaming goat

But then I remembered Kyron and thought to hold onto the love I have for him is greater
For if I hold onto this rage, I could once again lose everything due to this boiling anger
I had not received a call from probation something they assured me they would do
I was told he no longer resides in Manchester; he gets a second chance well isn’t that good for you
While this Christmas we again had to celebrate while shedding tears
He was welcomed home with love, laughter and gleeful cheers

It’s hard, his identity from the world is hidden due to age he was granted anonymity
But his actions are known to the world along with the loss and impact he has had on my family
I know I should not but I checked his social media page and he wrote “f the system and free all my g’s”
Pictures of him and others in a cell, like it’s a joke, no regard for Kyron and me
He has never shown remorse, never said sorry, he did not write to seek sympathy
Just pictures of him flexing his muscles you would not think he was inside as it just looked like a youth academy
2 years on and my pain is raw this year the worst of the pain
Yet 2 years on my son’s murderer freedom for Christmas he gained.
I was told to prepare myself as now he is released he may share his story in a rap song
He can release music insulting Kyron for the world to hear now ain’t that wrong
I am not sure if my heart can bare to hear him speak of my son in jest
I am praying this will not come to pass and he will allow my sons memory to rest

I don’t like him I never have but I hope he turns his life around
I’m struggling that he Is living free while my baby remains in the ground.

A Copy of my novel Hello Madness Goodbye Joy can be obtained from Amazon using the link below

The past does not hold the power of change, you do❤

It never stops, it never goes away, a part of you is changed forever
The ups, the downs and the emotions in between, they never truly stop no never
The highs, the lows, that shaded glow, no sleep, poor retention a need to feel yourself
A longing to be who you once were but tragedy has scarred your mental health
A desire to belong, to feel, to love without sadness ever present or near
To attend a party, eat and have a drink without a memory causing you to shed a tear.

It’s like a rebirth but instead of being conceived in passion and love you’re birthed into a world through trauma
Like a babe you have to go through the developmental stage learning how Io walk, talk, survive and grow stronger, and find inner humour

It feels almost like you’re in a bubble and the rest of the world is happy on the outside
Your smile is always distracted by the redness of your eyes the evidence that once again you cried
In the beginning its shock, denial, anger, pain, a never-ending revolving cycle
As time goes by its experiencing things from a different sort of angle

Happiness comes in different forms but it’s shadowed because of that sense of loss
You either choose to give in or rise, determined to stand at any cost
Others around you believe there is a time limit as your pain for them is a memory but for you it’s an emotion everyday
No matter the encouragement given, no matter the length of time, those triggers never go away
So, protect yourself and guard your heart your cause may be your strength
But remember you also need time away, to rest, recharge and emotionally vent

I fought very hard to find the old me but she has gone and this just got me down
It darkened the little light that over the months I thought I had finally found
I needed a big change. I left adult social care, I now work with children and young people with EBD
Despite that shadow I finally feel content in my career this is definitely the job for me

Work life balance is definitely a must, making memories with the children my goal
Words of love and encouragement, how I feel about them they definitely know
I value the opportunity of making memories for when I go that is what I leave behind
When I am no longer walking this earth I hope these happy memories help them stand in time

In closing our past experiences shape us, they have made us who we are today
But the past does not have to dictate us for we can learn to still live just in a different way
The love without an ending can be channelled into another path
Think about the one you weep for would they want you to give up or do anything to ensure you last
No one can tell you how to heal and the worse is when they try to compare
Remember you are the hero you’re designed to be; this is your path to walk not theirs
Everything you need to survive in life is tied up already in you
Our past does not hold the power of change, my darling you do

Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy following the murder of my son Kyron Webb. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook. UK/USA Click the link below

Restorative justice

I am embracing restorative justice as I want a face to face with my son’s murderer
Unsure if he has anything in him to heal me now, but I want to tell him all about my soldier
I want him to see the child he slew, I need to explain my son’s light and impacting potential
I feel his death has simply shown me that this murderer now holds the gear stick and I hold the steering wheel
My family do not want to meet him. In my children’s hearts, where he is concerned they do not care
My surviving children say on sight, rage would cause violence to erupt and punches into him would tear
The only question they have for him is why did you kill our brother
As forgiveness is not a word they want to consider, they cannot be restorative towards this other
For them, a sad back story simply makes excuses for his violent and unprovoked actions
My 12 year old daughter feels you always have a choice, murder is not the only option
My 10 year old son says he does not deserve a second chance
Kyron gave you no reason to hurt him, no violence nor aggression, so there was no need to fall into a murdering trance

Restorative justice, the system of criminal justice that focuses on the rehabilitation of an offender
Where they are shown the ripple effect of their actions and for many their internal anger will surrender
The process encourages reconciliation with the victims and the wider community at large
Many people are against it as they feel this gives an offender a lesser charge
But for those who engage, it’s said to be quite therapeutic and reinforces that justice has been done
It’s said to reduce the risk of reoffending allowing the notion that even in loss someone still has won

The restorative justice process is said to also reduce the risk of post traumatic stress disorder
Helping remove the risk of the victim seeking revenge birthed in rage against the offender
The victim and the offender come together to seek a common goal and answers
Also supporting the offender through reflection of self to fit back into society and embrace positive chances
The process of restorative justice is to help people to move on with their lives
It brings answers to questions and comfort to those feeling empty and their weakened cries

Also helping the victims repair from the impact of crime giving them back their voice
To tell the offender how they have impacted their lives when they made that cowardly choice
The offender has the chance to take ownership, responsibility and accountability for their actions
Also they have a chance to apologise for their impact that set off an unfortunate reaction
Restorative justice can be effective and used in any type of crime
It is essential this process is carried out when both parties are at the right place and at the right time

Not everyone is sorry, not every offender had the ability to undertake this process
Due to a mental disturbance, they are hard wired and proud of their offences
The aim of restorative justice is to heal the wounds of victims and bring about restoration
For the offender, it’s to create a law abiding citizen accepted by the community again through resolution

This process was designed to repair the harm caused by another’s behaviour
It’s used in schools now as a form of discipline, talking circles used to diffuse and dilute angers flavor

Restorative justice does not necessarily work for everyone as hurt and anger rages within
But to be restorative for me is where that peace in healing begins
There is no time limit as to when this should be done, it’s something one can do when the time feels right
You may never want a meeting don’t feel bad as that too is alright.

Check out my novel Hello madness good bye joy followinf the murder of my son Kyron Webb. Available to buy now on Amazon paperback and ebook. UK/USA

Click the link below